


Cold Winds

by Potato_Soop_Leo



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: 15+, Angst, Extreme, Graphic descriptions of birth, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mpreg, Proceed with caution, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:49:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29475009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Potato_Soop_Leo/pseuds/Potato_Soop_Leo
Summary: Emil Stielsson takes the same walk to the bus stop for school every day. Until oone day everything changes as someone knocks him out. He wakes up in the hospital and it all seems like it's a simple robbery gone wrong. Until it isn't.
Relationships: Denmark/Norway (Hetalia), Finland/Sweden (Hetalia)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains a LOT of mpreg, which some people may find to be an uncomfortable topic. i advise you leave if you do not enjoy mpreg. Do not leave hate on this fic if you do not like mpreg, as you have no buisness to do so when you can just scroll past it and forget about it. Another warning that this fic contains a lot of talk of depression, and has a birth scene in chapter eight. You have been warned.

I don’t remember how I got here.. why everything is so blurry. My face hurts… my body hurts.. everything is in pain. I’m not sure, there's bright lights and voices. Some of them are angry, some of them are sad. So I opened my eyes the rest of the way. I realised that as I tried to move my hand over my eyes, there was something in my arm. I looked down only to see little tubes underneath some sort of tape, and suddenly someone grabbed my hand. I looked over and there was my brother, Lukas. I was starting to wonder if everything was ok, if I was ok. That’s when I remembered it. When I remembered what happened this morning, I could tell where I was. I recalled walking to school, and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. Someone had grabbed my wrist and dragged me off of the path. For once I hated living out in the country. Sure, I loved walking to the bus stop every morning, but today made me hate to do it. My memory is a bit blurry on what happened when he dragged me off into the trees, but I remember getting away from him and trying to run. But from what I can tell, I was hit in the back of the head by what I think was a tree branch or a metal pipe. 

But that’s the last I can remember from that until now. Lukas tells me that someone found me on the side of the road with blood just pouring from my head. And they brought me to the hospital. It was a neighbour so they knew who I was when they brought me and called the house phone to let them know. By now I could see all of the rest of my family there with me. Not so much family though, as friends. Lukas’s boyfriend, Mathias, and their friends Tino and Berwald. But I’ve always referred to them as uncles, and Mathias is like a brother to me. So I very much appreciate him taking care of me the way he does. 

One thing I noticed was that Berwald’s son’s weren’t there. One of them, the older, Peter, is adopted. The younger one, Isak, was from his ex wife. At least that’s what I’ve been told. He showed up at the house one day with his son’s and Tino, I was eight when that happened. They’ve lived on the farm ever since. I can’t believe it’s been seven years since that. I had been really happy that my favourite uncle was moving in with me, but he also had his kids to take care of, and not a lot of time to talk with me. I’ve always liked talking to Berwald, since he doesn’t talk much and usually has nothing to say. But he’s always been a good listener and that’s what I like. 

To me, there’s alway something about your classmates finding out you're in the hospital that’s annoying. Because you know none of them care about you, and yet they still say cheesy things like, “we all care about you!” “Hope you get better soon!” But it’s all a lie. They’ve never cared about me. I have a couple of friends, I guess. Leon is probably my best friend. There’s a guy in my grade level named Marco too, we don’t talk much, but his crush, Marie, has invited me to play cards a few times. I’ve joined, and Leon has come with me, but she wins every time. She says her father raised her in the slums of France. I can believe that. 

I fell asleep. Only for a couple of hours but I did. When I woke up, Peter and Isak were here, and they immediately ran over and jumped up onto the bed with me. Tino tried to stop them but they were already shooting a million questions at me. It was funny, so I just held up my good hand, my other wrist being sprained, to stop them. “One at a time, Peter goes first, then Isak..” I told them. They went back and forth for almost an hour before Berwald picked them both up and sat down with them so they would stop pestering me. I enjoyed that. 

On the topic of classmates, I’ve already seen it on social media. People are making up fake stories about what happened to me. Got hit by a truck, tried to kill myself, my parents beat the shit out of me, I got kidnapped. None of those are particularly true, but I’m not going to make a call out post, or whatever. If someone who knows me wants to go and tell these people off I won’t stop them. I don’t even know how this got to them. Maybe someone called the news station and told them what had happened, and they were trying to find the man without any information on his appearance. It wasn’t like I could really remember, most of the blows were from the back and I didn’t bother trying to see his face. I was too busy trying to get away from the guy to concentrate on how he looked. 

My biggest concern is that it’ll happen again. That I’ll be targeted by this man in another place and he’ll try to kill me. But it was simply a mugging gone bad. I’m fine, I’m alive, and really that’s all that matters. That they didn’t find me dead on the road instead. But there's a sinking feeling in my chest. I can’t help it. Something feels wrong. But I don’t know what it is, and so I choose to ignore that. It was no big deal to me. I just need to get out of this hospital as soon as possible. The white walls are going to end up making me go insane. It’s such a contrast from the deep dark wood walls at home. Plus this bed is super uncomfortable and it’s starting to make my back hurt. But for now the only thing I can really do is sleep. Because hey, what else is there to do in a hospital? Especially when you’re stuck here like I am. I’m practically missing an arm with this wrist the way it is. 

✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗

My stay at the hospital lasts a week. They let me go, and the next day, Mathias drives me to school on his way to work. We don’t talk much on the way there, and the only thing we really say is goodbye as I shut the door to his truck. Mathias loves his truck. It’s a brand new model, and it’s shining, red, beautiful. People would die for a truck like that. But I guess it’s cool, because I’m more of an SUV person myself. More space for more stuff. I plan on becoming a veterinarian after all. I need places for my supplies. 

The person to greet me at the entrance to the school is Leon. He immediately wraps his arms around me, talking about how glad he is that I’m ok. Which is cool I guess, but the fact he has a million other friends discourages me. He could replace me with a snap of his fingers. My death would mean nothing to him. Or at least I think so anyway. Hell, I bet even Marie could take my place if she tried hard enough. In which case she wouldn’t have to try hard because she was attractive. But she can’t persuade me. I’m not a very romantic person. Nobody is really my cup of tea. Marie is pretty yeah, but I don’t really feel any special way towards her. I don’t really feel a special regard towards anyone, at least in that sense. 

I’ve found out as of today, that when something happens to you, people immediately flock around and be nice. It’s pity. They feel pity towards me. It’s gross that the only reason they want to be nice to me is to make their reputation look better. It’s mostly the kids who have been falling from Grace recently who want to look the best they can. They want to be a god again but they have to fix that. And in a way, they think smiling at me and giving me compliments is the best route. What idiots. All of them. Thinking that I’m just some statue, and they can bow to me and pretend to worship me so that people will shower them in support. Well I don’t want it. But.. someone did make me cupcakes so I can play God a little while longer. It seems reasonable enough. 

This whole accident reminds me of something. Just how weak I am. I couldn’t even get some stupid robber off of me, so how am I supposed to do anything else? I’m sort of useless. But that’s no big deal to me. It’s just another thing. I’m a human, what can I do to change how I act? Nothing. 

Lunch? Perfectly fine. It’s food. School food, though. I don’t eat much anyways, I usually just snack, so I don’t get that stuff. I bring a bag of pretzels or some almonds to snack on through the day. Usually pretzels though, because hey, those are great. They have everything to offer that makes snacks great. Salt, bread, crunch. Who doesn’t like pretzels? They’re the snack food of the fucking gods. 

My day goes by painfully slow. My teachers feel bad for me and tell me I’m exempt from homework for the rest of the week. That’s nice I guess, but I’ve always been a good student so it means nothing to me. I would rather get the assignments and finish them. But I've noticed something. Ever since the accident, the world has been grey. Everything seems so much darker, like the sun never comes out and is always blocked by dark clouds. I’m not sure exactly what it is that’s stopping me from being happy, but I can assure you when I get home I’m probably going to cry. 

And I’m right. The moment I step foot into my room the tears start to fall. I slump down against my door and sob, trying my best to use my hand and make sound less noticeable. But at this point, I’m not sure I care about my family hearing me. They’ll finally know how miserable I am. How much this pains me. It’s only a Tuesday and yet I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to leave my room again. I’m afraid of what will happen, I’m paranoid of it. What if the same thing happens again? But the only difference is I die from it. I get brutally murdered in an alleyway and I never even get to say goodbye to my family. 

What breaks me from my fit is a knock on the door. At first, I thought, it’s Lukas. But analyzing the knock, it’s too soft and small to be Lukas. So my next guess is Tino. I stand up and wipe my eyes, opening the door. But I’m met with a much smaller individual, Peter. It’s weird to have him catch me crying, since I’m supposed to be a role model for him and all. But he just smiled at me and put out his arms. Obviously for a hug, and I take the offer. He gives me the tightest squeeze he can and whispers, “Why are you crying?” Not so quietly to me. I pull away and look at him, and I can’t help but smile. “No clue..” I whisper back. He laughs a little bit and then brings me back into a hug. 

Honestly, Peter is my biggest fan. He thinks I’m pretty great, hence why I’m his role model. He pretty much imitates everything I do, and it’s cute. There’s no doubt about it, if I ever get the opportunity as an adult, I’ll want to adopt a kid like Peter. Because Peter is fun and he’s never not smiling or loving around. Unlike Isak, who can be a bit of a brat.. all of the time. No offense to Berwald or anything but the kid with his DNA in it is the brat of the two.


	2. Chapter 2

A lot of this morning has been a complete blur. I woke up at around four in the morning, but I was incredibly sick. It’s only been five weeks since my accident, I can’t imagine that it’s still affecting me. But there’s also a headache to consider. I make sure Lukas knows I’m sick by texting him from the bathroom, and tell him I have a headache as well. He came up pretty quickly to check it out and make sure I wasn’t just lying to get out of class. Lukas thinks maybe I got an infection from my staples, but I really doubt it. He took me to the hospital, and now it’s six AM. We’re still here. I’m still sick. I have to keep a trash bin by me, the nurse told me to so I don’t throw up on the floor. I’ve definitely had to use that trash bin a few times now, but at this point it’s mostly dry heaving since there isn’t anything left in my system to get out of there. 

I’m miserable, let’s face it. But at least the doctor’s finally called me back to check me out. Just as I thought, nothing is infected. The doctor does a routine check up, and he can’t find a single thing wrong with me. So I’m told to go home and get plenty of bedrest, since it’s only the flu. I believe the doctors, it’s obviously just got to be the stomach flu. It sure as hell feels like it, but a lot worse. I’m definitely throwing up a lot more than I normally would with the flu. Otherwise what’s bothering me is the constant headache. But I’m confident in my body fighting it off fairly quickly. I grew up in the wildernesses, it’s kinda obvious I’ve got a good imbue system. 

Lukas takes me home, accompanied by a trash bag, and then he brings me up to my room to get some rest. I need it. I’ve had a long couple of weeks. First getting robbed and sent to the hospital, and now the flu. Things could be better, sure, but life goes on. I’ll be better before I know it. It’s exactly as it’s always been. I just hope I don’t give anything to the boys, because whatever variant of the flu this is, it’s terrible. 

✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗

It’s been two goddamn weeks. Two. I’m still sick, I can’t keep food down, not even water. We can’t find a medicine that works, and I’m kind of afraid I’m dying. Luckily the nausea isn’t so bad anymore, and it subsides every now and then so I can eat some toast and have a drink of water. Tino has been taking time off of his freelance jobs to watch me and make sure I’m eating and such, but I can tell he doesn’t exactly know how to talk to me. He thinks we’re a million years apart from each other. We aren’t really near the same age, I get it. He did just sort of pop up out of nowhere with my uncle one day. I don’t hold it against him though, I don’t see how anybody would find Berwald un-attractive. He’s my uncle so no way I’m attracted to him, I’m just saying. At least the doctor’s have prescribed me some pills to help with depression and anxiety, since they think that’s what’s making me so sick. I’ve been taking them for a good week now but nothing. 

Today of course I was feeling a hell of a deal better. But not perfect obviously. It’s just Tino and I in the big house, everyone is at work or school since it’s a Monday. Everyone is gone on Monday’s. Usually I wouldn’t be here. I would be at school doing my work while Leon pestered me about how he didn’t bring a pencil and needed an extra one. Instead of that I’m laying in bed, waiting for all of this to be over with. I can’t believe it’s still going on. Lukas said he would schedule me for the doctor to see if we could find anything wrong, but it isn’t until Friday he’ll schedule it. I don’t really care as long as I can get in and get help for this. 

A knock on my door wakes me up from a small nap, and Tino perks in. “Hey there Emil..” he says in a hushed tone. “I’m sorry, did I wake you up..?” I shake my head, since I don’t want to make him feel bad, even if it’s obvious he did. “Oh, well, I made you something to eat, do you wanna come downstairs and try it out..?” Tino runs a hard bargain. So I nod and get out of my bed, it’s about time I did. Tino walks me down to the kitchen and I avoid any sort of conversation. It’s just awkward-

But I started to notice something a moment ago. Tino glancing down at my lower body every so often as I stood there and waited for him. I didn’t feel like really sitting down. But it’s still strange. Tino usually focuses pretty hard on his tasks, and he’s looking back at me? And not even looking more in the eyes. I don’t know what his deal is. And I don’t want to bring it up but. “Tino? Is there something wrong?” I ask him, raising a brow. He smiled nervously and nodded. 

“Have you been eating?” Tino asked. I shook my head. His smile kind of started to go away and he walked over to the cupboard and opened the medicine cabinet. He pulled out my pill bottles and started looking over them. I have no idea what’s going on, and looking at myself, I can’t see any sort of problem. Soon Tino sets the bottles down and shakes his head. “I don’t know, it just looks like you’ve gained a little weight is all. The medicine doesn’t have any rapid weight gain as symptoms though..” he muttered the last part, but I could still hear him. So I walked over to the fancy mirror in the hall and looked in it. I turned to the side, and sure enough, I started to notice it myself. How on earth had I gained weight? I’ve been sick for a lot longer than a normal flu, so I haven’t really actually eaten in awhile. So how in the world could I have gained any weight? “Well, I’ll tell Lukas and see if we can take you into the doctors this weekend when he’s off of work.. maybe it didn’t show up in the test trials? I bet it’s just some side effects from the medications mixing.” 

I guess he’s right. They didn’t tell us anything would happen if we mixed the two medications but hey, maybe they forgot about that. So I guess all there’s to do is wait to go to the doctors again. I bet they’re getting really tired of seeing me, huh? 

Lukas gets home at the same time every night. He, on the additive of doing work on the farm in the summer, works as a realtor. He only does it in the fall and the winter, so that he can work on the harvests in the spring and summer. Mathias does a lot of part time jobs, and Berwald works in tech support. But it seems like all of them, even Tino, really enjoy working out in the fields during the warm weather. 

Tino told Lukas about what was going on, and Lukas took a bit of concern in it. He also thought maybe one of my organs had exploded but we both trashed that idea. So Lukas agreed that I should go back to the doctors. I’m feeling a bit better, but I’ve always been incredibly thin, so suddenly gaining weight without even eating? It’s not usually what would happen. Maybe this time they’ll find something wrong and they’ll actually give me some help. Those medications are just sort of making me tired and bored. 

I don’t really eat any of dinner and instead I go back up to my room. I’m a bit sick to my stomach again, so I don’t want to ruin everyone’s meal by getting sick all over the place. Lukas comes up and asks me a couple of questions for the doctor, since we’ve gotten used to the questions we get asked over the phone, and when I answer them, he leaves again to go and schedule me for as soon as possible. I just hope whatever is going on can be solved soon. I’m missing a lot of school, although Mathias stops by the office every day and gets my work, and takes it back to the office in the morning after I finish it. I respect him for that. But anymore absences and I could get expelled or something. I’m just really hoping for everything to settle down for me to resume classes again.


	3. Chapter 3

My appointment is scheduled for today, Friday, in half an hour. Lukas is practically pushing me out the door since he woke up late and the two of us are on a very tight schedule. I think it’s just because he hasn’t had his coffee yet this morning. I’m rather irritable myself, no idea why, I probably just woke up wrong again. It happens pretty often believe it or not. I just know I hate being pushed out the door. I don’t know why we had to schedule an appointment for nine in the morning, Mathias hasn’t even gone to work yet. I get it, I'm sick and troubled but we could have at least settled for eleven. 

Car ride passes just fine, and I notice I’m getting a little nervous as I walk into the building. Lukas and I walk up to the front desk and check in, though I’m pretty distracted. I can’t help but be. I’ve always hated going to the doctor’s, and by now I shouldn’t be afraid since it’s the same thing every time with this place. They check me out and decide nothing is wrong, have some more pills. 

We sit there for ten minutes. Ten minutes too long. The nurse calls me back, and I decide to go alone, since I’m old enough to do that, by far. But I notice it super easy. This isn’t my doctor. My doctor is an older man, gray hair, glasses. This is a woman, looking in the mid thirties, a few gray hairs but it’s obvious she takes care of it. But she still isn’t my doctor. “Hi, I’m doctor Oxfordshire, your regular doctor for an emergency call so I’m filling in! Don’t worry I’m just as professional. I know it might be weird but to have a male doctor, and I apologize if any part of this check up makes you uncomfortable, Mr. Steilsson. Now! Can you please just fill me in on everything that’s been going on recently?”

So she wants to know it all? If she really does then I guess I’ll start from the beginning. “Well, it all started around seven weeks or so ago. I was walking to school and this guy attacked me. I tried to get away but he kind of knocked me out, next thing I know I wake up in the hospital. I’m not sure what that guy did to me but I don’t really want to know. Five weeks after my accident I started to get really sick. Like headaches, throwing up, dizzy. Like the flu. But if the flu lasted from them, up until now. I’m still throwing up and getting headaches and getting dizzy. Plus I think my depression and anxiety meds are causing me to gain weight, because I haven’t really eaten more than a couple bites of toast since I got sick and my uncle pointed out that I’m starting to gain weight. He’s the one who said I should come in.” She nods and nods and writes and writes. I wonder what she’s thinking about. 

Doctor Oxfordshire cleared her throat and walked over, motioning for me to stand up. She opened the computer and opened up my file, using my name obviously. She looked it over and then asked me to step on the scale. I did and waited until the beep sounded, not even bothering to look at the number. I’ve been a solid one ten for years. “One twenty.” Wait-

I raise a brow and shake my head, but she frowns. “That’s up ten pounds. How in the world.. maybe there’s something wrong with your internal organs. It could be an intestine disease or something along the lines.” She stood up and walked over to the table where I had already sat down again, slipping on her gloves and pulling up my shirt. “I’m just going to check this out down here..” I don’t like how her voice is. She’s concerned. I hear it when she talks, I can tell she doesn’t know what’s wrong with me. What if Lukas was right and one of my organs exploded? Doctor Oxfordshire presses on my belly a few times, and then stands up, looking at her clipboard. “I think there may be an issue, wait here and I’ll go have your parent or guardian sign a release form to do an ultrasound. Hang tight.” With that she walked out of the room, her shoes clicking on the linoleum floor. 

I knew Lukas would say yes. He even came back into the room, and I can see how scared he is all over his face. He watches from the other side of the bed, rubbing my back. I don’t want him to act like there’s an issue at all. But then again what if I’m dying? These could be my last minutes. I can’t help but feel my heart rate go up while she sets up all of the equipment. 

It’s all set up. She’s had me lie down and put gel on my stomach. That’s when Lukas couldn’t keep his mouth shut, because I think he knew that he was hiding something. “Emil, don’t be mad but Tino and I planned this. This isn’t looking at your organs. We asked for this doctor, and we didn’t want you to freak out so we covered it up.” I raised a brow and tried to go talk but Lukas shushed me. “We’ve kept this secret from you long enough. Berwald never had a wife, and he and a woman never had Isak. Tino did, this was the doctor he had, and he noticed all of the symptoms with you, the same ones he did. And we really didn’t want to be blunt about it, so we just took you to the doctor instead.”

My brain is running, what does he mean? He has to be joking around, what he’s saying is impossible. I’m a male, I don’t have any female organs in me, I never have. I’m even still a virgin. This is all one big joke, because it can’t be anything else. I look over at the doctor, and her eyes are scanning the screen. She looks over at Lukas and I smile nervously. “Well, Mr. Stielsson, you are pregnant. Looks about.. Seven weeks, maybe eight. Don’t worry Emil, you may be my youngest case but you aren’t my first.” I’m still stunned. What the hell is going on? How did this happen? And then it all connects. I didn’t just get mugged, I can barely stand it now. Parts of me hurt that I didn’t understand that day and I should have known. But somehow I didn’t. 

I can feel the tears start to sting my eyes as I look at the screen, as I see this little white dot. That’s inside of me. Why me of all people? What did I do wrong to deserve this? What am I supposed to tell my friends, the school? I’m crying at this point, and Lukas helps me sit up a bit to give me a hug and rub my back. “Emil everything is going to be just fine..” Lukas assures me. But how is he supposed to know? The doctor hands me a rag to wipe the gel off, and then starts to put the equipment away. I’m glad I don’t have to look at that anymore. I clean myself off and then sit up, Lukas still has an arm around me as I silently sob. I don’t want to be here any longer. My chest hurts, I don’t feel well, I’m starting to get a headache. 

“Doctor Oxfordshire..” I say quietly. “Is there any way to get.. Uhm, you know.. get rid of it..?” She frowns and shakes her head, just making the tears start to fall more. 

“There’s no method we can think of yet that wouldn’t damage the carrier. And obviously tying in that you’re fifteen years old, it would be highly dangerous.” I don’t like having Lukas or this doctor seeing me cry. I’m getting embarrassed. I want to go home. “I’ll print out a couple of things and then I’ll send you home. You’ve been doing good by getting a lot of rest, I just need you to eat better and maybe take a walk here and there to keep your blood circulating.” I nod and wipe my eyes, and the doctor gives me a tissue box. I thank her, or at least I try. My mouth is so dry I can’t manage to get the words out, I can only mouth the words. I’m glad we’re done here, I just want to curl up in bed and die. 

It’s taken her ten minutes, but finally we’re out of here, and a yellow folder is clutched in Lukas’s hand. He hands it to me as we get into the car, and I decide to open it and see what’s in there. It’s mostly medical stuff, like diagnosis, symptoms, all of that. But the third paper down catches me off guard. I slowly pull it out and look at it. It’s not paper, it’s the texture of a Polaroid, I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s a bit smaller than the other documents, but it’s clear nonetheless. It’s a picture of my ultrasound. This is probably what took ten minutes. I don’t want to look at it, and yet I can’t seem to rip my eyes off of it. Lukas notices this and reaches over, putting his hand on mine. 

“Emil.. listen to me.. everything is going to be alright…” he says softly to me. “You can talk to Tino about all of this when you get home if that helps, ok..?” I nod, but in reality I’m about ready to start crying again. And I can’t help it, so I do. The tears start falling down my cheeks again without control, and I’m getting embarrassed. 

We got home later than I expected. I can see Berwald’s car is in the driveway. I don’t want the boys to see me like this, and I don’t want anybody else to see me like this. “I don’t want to go inside..” I say, although my voice is hoarse from how much I’ve cried. Lukas frowns and nods, getting out of the car. I watch him as he walks inside, and finally I’m alone. I don’t want to be and yet I do want to be. 

A couple of minutes later, Lukas comes back outside. He opens my car door and smiles. “I had Berwald take the boys into the other room to play, Tino is cooking, so we can just make our way through without anyone noticing, ok?” I nod and Lukas takes the folder from me as I get out of the car, following him inside. We go in quietly and then up the stairs to my room. Lukas sets the folder on my desk as he walks over to my bed with me. “Is there anything you want? I can get you some water, I can draw you a bath? I’m here for you and I just want to make sure you’re okay and you’re comfortable…” I’m not sure what I want. I can’t think straight. 

“Some water sounds good..” I say, holding onto my arms to try and stop myself from shaking. Lukas leaves the room and finally I can get comfortable. But first. I walk over to the mirror and turn to my side, pulling on the back of my shirt to get it tighter, now being able to see the bump forming on my abdomen. It makes me sick to look at. I quickly turn my mirror around and start to get undressed, replacing tire clothes with just the same thing apparently. I groan softly to myself and try to find a loose fitting shirt, but I haven’t got one. I turn around to give up when I see Tino at my doorway, and I jump in surprise. “Don’t scare me like that!” 

He smiles a little and nods. “Sorry.” Tino walks over and sits on the bed, looking up at me cautiously. “I know this must be pretty confusing for you..” he mumbled. I nod and hug myself, feeling a bit insecure now. Tino seems to notice and stands up, lifting up his shirt and frowning. He points to a long scar on the bottom of his stomach. “This is my Cesarean scar. I didn’t think I would actually be able to get Isak out the natural way so I opted for this instead. Hurt like hell for a bit after I had it but I’ve learned to live with it.” This isn’t helping me. It’s only making things more uncomfortable. What if I have to get that? I’ll just have a scar like Tino for the rest of my life. I’m not saying it’s bad to have scars but having one there and letting people see it would raise a lot of questions. I don’t want to have to try and convince people I just had surgery in my stomach, the scar would be too long for that and in the wrong place. 

I look at Tino and I can feel the tears starting to sting my eyes again. “But I don’t even want this..” I whine out. “I’m fifteen! This shouldn’t be happening to me! I can’t even fit into my clothes that I’ve been able to fit into since I was twelve!” I can’t stop myself from starting to get upset. Everything is changing, so quickly, it hurts my head to think about it. I just want this to all be my imagination and for it to go away. I want this to be a sick joke. But from what I can tell it isn’t. Why? Why did this have to happen to me of all people? “I am about three minutes away from having a mental breakdown! One little thing more and I might just throw myself off of a bridge!” 

I see Lukas coming out of the corner of my eye and he sets the water on my desk, walking over quickly. “Emil please calm down! Nothing is going to go wrong! Nobody can hurt you here! Nobody besides Tino and I know about this! It’s your choice if you want to tell your friends, or if you’re ok with us telling Mathias and Berwald! It’s obvious that Isak and Peter are too young to understand! But you have to trust us that we’re going to make sure that everything is ok!” 

I don’t know what to do. I feel my chest pressing down on my lungs and I can hardly breathe. “Emil.” I snap my head up to look at Tino. He’s never talked to me with that much seriousness in his tone before. It’s kind of scary. “I’ve never told this to anybody. Not even Berwald. I never wanted kids, Emil. When I found out Berwald had a son already I almost left him. I didn’t want to get involved as a parent, especially since Peter was already two and he would know I wasn’t really his parent. 

“But I didn’t leave Berwald because I had never known someone who loved me more than that. When I found out I was pregnant with Isak, I was ready to drink all the alcohol I could to kill him, but Berwald found out and he was too happy to be having a baby with me, for me to get rid of him.” Tino puts a hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eyes. “I suffered more than I ever have in those nine months. Labour was living hell, and he never stopped crying after he was born. I was at my wits end, Emil. But I got over it, took some parenting classes, and became what my son needed.” 

I don’t want to be a parent. Tino was an adult. I’m still technically a child though. I just walk over to my bed and fall down onto it, not in the mood to talk to these two anymore. Lukas sits down next to me and rubs my back, and Tino joins. We’re interrupted from our silence by a loud “ÄITI!” From downstairs. Tino sighs and puts on a big smile as he stands up. “Coming Peter!” He calls back on his way out the door. I don’t want to end up like that. A slave to a kid. Pretending like I’m happy when I’m reality I can’t stand my life. I don’t want to lose it all…


	4. Chapter 4

I’ve been back to the doctor’s around three times now at this point. It’s been a few weeks since the first time I went, I’ve been counting the days so that I know when I’m another week through this hell. I should be around eleven weeks now if I’ve been counting correctly. I can definitely notice now that I’m pregnant from the bump, it’s gotten bigger than I thought it would in four weeks. I stopped going to school around a week ago and signed up to do my courses online, using the excuse that I have a terrible illness that we’re trying our best to cure so I can get out of bed and back to school. It’s a terrible thing to tell people but I really don’t want the public school system to know about this. 

I can’t fit into my own clothing anymore, so Mathias has been lending me a lot of his shirts. It’s mostly shirts I’m interested in, since they’re baggy enough to cover up my belly while I’m standing up, and I can always wear baggy pajama pants. But I’ve realised I’ve been a bit lonely as of late, and made a big decision. I’m going to invite all of my friends over, and tell them about this. I’ve already told Lukas what I’m doing, and I’ve gotten “dressed”. One of Mathias’s heavy metal shirts, some Danish band I’m not too sure about. And obviously a pair of flannel pajama pants. I’m quite comfortable. But for now, I’ve got freshly washed sheets and blankets, so the temptation to take a nap is too hard, and I can’t help but doze off bit by bit as I wait. 

I’m woken up by a knock on the door, “Emil your friends are here.” Lukas says through the door. I tell him to come in and he opens the door, letting the three of them inside. “Just holler if you need anything Emil, I’ll be downstairs.” Lukas shuts the door, and Leon starts to snicker. 

“Geez, you look terrible! How sick are you?!” Leon asks, he’s obviously amused. Marco gives his shoulder a small punch, looking back at me. If he didn’t think it was rude, he would agree. 

I sigh and close my eyes again, cuddling my head into my pillow. “Yeah, I know.. I’m just tired..” I tell them, then look back at them. “I guess by now you probably know I’m doing my classes online.” They nod yes. “And you know it’s because I’m sick and I can’t come to class in person for a bit. That’s not entirely the case.” They all give me confused looks, and I take a deep breath. “You have to promise me, you won’t tell a soul what I’m about to tell you. If you do I will personally slit your throats.” I try to be as menacing as I can, and I can see Marco and Leon lean back a bit away from me as they agree. Marie smiled and nods, probably amused by the other two’s reactions. 

This is it. I have to do this. I can’t chicken out. I stand up out of bed and look at them. “Eleven weeks ago I got beat half to death on the side of the road on my daily walk to school. I thought that was all that happened. I was wrong. And that’s led to why I’m not in person learning.” I can see they're about done with my stalling, so I take one last deep breath and pull up my shirt. I’m a skinny kid, so the slightest amount of weight on me is noticeable from ten yards away. I can see their shocked expressions, and Marie even raises her hand up over her mouth. I put my shirt back down and walk over to my desk, picking up my most recent folder. “Yeah, THAT'S how I’ve felt this whole time. I’m sick, everything hurts, I’m getting headaches, and I’m starting to get bad acne.” I hand the folder to Leon since he’s on the end of the line, and he opens it. On the top is the ultrasound, underneath the usual hospital documents. I point at the ultrasound. “See that? That’s the fucking parasite. It’s already doing _this_ to me and it’s supposedly the size of a lime or something.” They all look at the ultrasound and Marco is trying to find the words, his mouth is moving and his expression is constantly changing. “Don’t congratulate me I’m not keeping it. And it’s nothing to be happy about. It’s just throwing up and being in unbearable pain half of the time. Plus gaining a shit ton of weight, which I haven’t done in years until now!” 

Leon looks over at me, concern written all over his face. “Is this like, gonna kill you? Because this isn’t normal I’ve seen your dick-“ I stop him there and shake my head. 

“No, no! And don’t talk about that like it was something weird we were just pissing in the urinals!” I give him a small smack on the arm. “It isn’t going to kill me. It’s like Uhm.. making a cake I guess. You put the ingredients in, and they come back out the same way only there’s a cake, but in my case it’s a human fucking being.” 

Marie clears her throat and sets the folder back on my desk as she walks across my room, looking at the few posters on my walls. “So, let me get this straight?” She pushes up her glasses and looks at me. “You got raped by some random dude while you were unconscious? How did you even find out you were pregnant in the first place? You haven’t been to school for weeks!” She raises a good question. I know I can’t just tell Tino’s secret, but it seems like the only thing I can do..

“Oh, I suggested it!” We all jump, and Leon even lets out a small squeak as we all turn around and Tino is standing in the doorway with a plate of snacks. “Brought you guys some crackers, some peanut butter and some cheese, good healthy things!” I nod slowly and walk over to take it from him. “I’ve been through the same thing as Emil, so realising the situation I suggested he go see my doctor about it!” Tino hands me the plate and then his face goes sour. “I left the peanut butter out.. MATHIS STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!” Tino yells as he quickly walks out. I shut the door and set the plate down. 

Marco looks stunned. “Wait! So this isn’t just a you thing?! This happens to other guys?!” He asks. He probably thinks he has it or something. That would make him an idiot. I’m not exactly sure what causes it but I do know it’s extremely rare. I’m just lucky to have encountered another person who’s dealt with it. I roll my eyes and pick up a Cracker, holding it in my hand for a moment before throwing it at Marco. “Hey what was that for?!”

“For being a dummy. It’s a rare genetic mutation. Rare as in hasn’t been seen in a lot of people. This chick is old and she’s been studying it for years on years. I’m only her like, tenth case ever in studying it for about thirty years when she first found it.” For real this time though, I eat a cracker, and sit down in my desk chair. “As apparently it’s pretty dangerous because I’m fifteen and all that, so there could and probably will be a lot of complications here and there.” 

My friends are dumb, I have to admit it. But they’re still nice to talk to. I wouldn’t pick a different group of people. Although once we’ve finished talking I make them all sign a piece of paper. On it I’ve written that if they tell anyone about this and I find out I have permission to either sue them or stab their hand. Maybe their foot if they’re lucky. They all sign and then tell me goodbye. My door shuts with a loud click and I let out a sigh of relief. Finally, some peace and quiet.

I get up out of my desk chair and let out a small huff. I walk across the room and look in the mirror. Leon was right, I really do look like shit. There’s bags under my eyes, somehow I’m even paler than usual, my hair is messy, and obviously there’s the stupid bump. I lift up my shirt and frown at it. I give my belly a small poke, it’s firm, but not rock solid. There’s still a bit of squish to it. But I’m still disgusted by it. I don’t want this stupid baby bump. It looks weird. I’m a male. I should look the part. Instead look at me like this. There has got to be something I can do. But until I figure it out I’m stuck at square one. 

I’ve been asleep for a good two hours at this point, but it’s not like I can sleep without someone bothering me. Because I’ve just woken up to someone sitting down on my bed. “Hey there Ice..” oh dear god it’s Mathias. Does he really need to come and give me another pep talk just like everyone else? This is getting annoying. I roll over onto my back and look up at Mathias with my eyes half lidded, brows knitted. He smiled nervously. “Sorry for wakin’ ya’ up.. I just wanted to know if you were goin’ to come down for dinner tonight.. it’s been a while and I miss havin’ ya’ there..” wait. So this isn’t some stupid pep talk? He just wants me to come down for dinner? That’s the most stupid thing I’ve heard in awhile. And god damn is it calming. 

I sit up a bit and look Mathias in the eyes. I’ve lost most of my anger towards being woken up by now, since I’m not getting a pep talk. “Yeah, I guess I can.. I can’t promise I’ll eat much though..” I respond with a small yawn. 

Mathias smiles, a lot more sincere this time. That coat of anxiety is melted away. He gives my hair a small ruffle. “I knew you would say yeah!” He gives himself a small triumphant laugh and I can’t help but smile a bit at it. He then clears his throat and I can see he’s nervous again. “Can I ask you a question?” He asks. I nod. “What is it like? I mean, the pregnancy thing.” He bites his lips and breaks eye contact, obviously embarrassed. 

He’s the type of person I would think would ask this question. I have no problem, he’s practically my brother. He’s dating my real brother and he did help raise me. So it’s no big deal to share how I feel with him. “Well.. it feels weird.. like, I can’t feel anything moving in there or changing, but I can feel this weird energy.. I know it probably doesn’t make any sense. And my belly is stretching out for the first time and it hurts, but it isn’t too bad most of the time. I’ve been having headaches here and there, and I’m getting more acne, but otherwise it’s just a strange feeling in my gut.” Mathias is speechless for a second. He’s probably analyzing everything I told him. I don’t blame him, I would have to take a minute to brush over all of that again too. 

Mathias finally looks back at me and smiles, giving off a small shudder. “That sounds funky!” He jokes and gives me a pat on the shoulder. “Come on, let’s go eat! You need it!” 

The two of us go downstairs and I can see the surprise on Lukas’s face when he sees me. I don’t get what’s so weird, I just finally decided to come downstairs. I haven’t left my room other than to use the bathroom sure, but is it seriously this rare to see me anymore? They’re always barging into my room. I just leave them to keep setting up the table as Peter runs up to me. 

“Emil! Where have you been?! I haven’t seen you in CENTURIES!” He’s over exaggerating this, but I can’t help but laugh a bit. He’s too cute for his own good. “Why are you wearing Uncle Mathias’s shirt?” He asks. I’m not sure how exactly to answer that question. 

Tino buts in and walks over to Peter after setting down the napkins. “Emil has been sick, remember? And uncle Mathias is just letting Emil borrow his shirt until Emil is well enough to go out and buy some new clothes.” That’s a better lie than I could have come up with. I owe Tino one. “Now come on, go sit down at the table.” 

Peter runs over to his spot and climbs into his seat, Berwald going off to get Isak while the rest of us sit down. It’s been so long since I’ve even been down here, I sort of understand why they were surprised. I couldn’t even remember what our dining room looks like. Now that I’m in it I remembered but I suppose it has been a pretty long time since I came down here. Once Isak and Berwald are at the table, we all start filling up our plates. It’s smoked salmon and meatballs. I’ve mostly been eating toast and soup the last few weeks, so I’m glad I have a change of taste. 

I can’t remember the last time I had fish. Especially the way Mathias cooks it. He always smokes it all day, continuously putting on spices and lemon juice. It’s gotta be the best salmon in all of the country. It’s got so much flavour and greatness to it. I cut off a small piece as I listen to everyone else chatter to each other and put it in my mouth, waiting to be in bliss. Instead I get a sudden ping of nausea. I drop my fork down as I stifle a gag, my hand over my mouth. But I can’t sit here, I have to get out of here. I quickly stand up out of my seat and start speed walking to the bathroom, only barely making it before falling to my knees by the toilet and throwing up. Dammit! The one thing I actually like and I’m puking it up! If I’m forced to keep this kid I’m going to disown it for this. Fish is the only thing good in this world and this brat in me is messing that up. 

When I’m able to stop dry heaving, I flush it down and lean against the wall with a small groan. I haven’t thrown up in awhile, I thought maybe I was over that. Apparently I was wrong. I look up as Mathias walks in, looking down at me. “Hey there Ice, is everything ok?” He asks. I glare at him and roll my eyes. Yeah, he definitely didn’t just hear me puking out my guts two seconds ago. “Alright, I’ll take that as a no! Come on buddy, let’s go back to your room!” Mathias helps me and puts an arm around my shoulders as we walk out of the bathroom. This is embarrassing. I must have just ruined everyone's meal right? I can feel them looking at me as we pass the dining room, but you know what. At this point I can’t even be bothered to care. 

I’m glad to be back in my room, and Mathias helps me back into my bed. He hands me a glass of water off of my desk and I take a couple of sips to get the taste of acid out of my mouth. I’m sort of getting used to it, but it’s still not a pleasant taste. I’m fine though, just a bit upset over not being able to eat fish. It doesn’t take long for Mathias to leave, and I decide it’s best to just go to bed.

✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗✗

I’ve been asleep for a bit, I can tell from how dark it is outside, and the fact that when I open my eyes, I can’t see the hall light under my door. I stretch my arms over my head and yawn, but a sound catches my attention. Let me explain something; my room is in the middle of two other rooms. On the right of me is Peter’s room, and on my left is Lukas and Mathias’s room. And obviously on the other side of the hall is the bathroom, Isak’s room, and Tino and Berwald’s room. The walls aren’t what I would call thin, but if you were to talk too loud you could hear the muffled sounds. 

And what I’m hearing now, I’m not sure. It’s from my left, so it’s Lukas and Mathias. There have been plenty of times, recently actually, where I’ve woken up and heard Lukas just bawling. And when I catch what he’s crying over, he’s telling Mathias how afraid he is for me. So I walk across the room and slowly press my ear to the wall. I hate eavesdropping but I want to know if he’s upset again. What I hear is what I didn’t expect. Why didn’t I think of that… 

A shudder runs down my spine at the sounds of my brother’s muffled moaning. This is gross, why don’t I just go back to my bed? Wait.. I can make this funny. I quickly knock on the wall and smirk. “You know that’s how I got pregnant!” I yelled through the wall. 

“EMIL!” Lukas yelled back, and I can’t help but laugh. I knew I could make it funny. I go back to my bed and slip into the sheets, grabbing a pillow and hugging it. What idiots. They should know I have a hard time sleeping through all of this. I do mean their sex, they were doing pretty good if keeping their noise down, I mean growing a human in me. Gets a bit hard to sleep when you’re doing that. 

I’m about to fall asleep when the door opens, and Lukas walks over to my bed. “Emil, go to bed!” he whisper shouts. I roll over and smile at him. 

“What do you mean..? I’m all nice and cozy in my bed..” he rolls his eyes and sits down next to me. “Eeeww you smell like sex get out…” he smirks and grabs one of my pillows, putting it over my face. I throw the pillow at him and sit up. “Why are you in here, go back to your dumbass boyfriend..” 

“You can’t sleep either, huh?” Lukas asks, pushing his bangs out of his eyes. I nod and lean against my headboard, shutting my eyes. It’s probabili obvious, I’m practically wide awake. I can’t begin to imagine why Lukas can’t sleep. But it’s not just that I’m not tired I can’t sleep, and I can hear my stomach grumbling at me. I’ve been able to go days without eating before, but for some reason missing one dinner actually means something. Lukas eyes my stomach and then looks back up at me. “Midnight snack?” I nod and we both get up, walking out of the room as quietly as we can. 

We go down to the kitchen and Lukas turns on the light, and starts looking through the cupboard. I look around the kitchen a couple of times before something catches my eye. “Lukas.” I say to get his attention. He turns around as I can’t help but be a little embarrassed. “I uhm.. I remembered we had some ice cream.. and I was wondering if I could have some?” Lukas smiles a bit and nods, walking over to the freezer and opening it up. I grab a couple of bowls for the two of us, and Lukas scoops it out. It’s chocolate. I’ve always really loved chocolate ice cream, it brings back a lot of good memories. 

“Ok, what do you want on your ice cream? We have chocolate syrup, peanut butter..” Lukas lists off a few more things, but I’m too distracted by his original question. Lukas turns around after not hearing my answer, seeing how embarrassed I look. “Emil, is everything ok?”

I bite my lip and let out a small groan. “If I tell you you’ll think I’m crazy..” I say quietly. Lukas chuckles a bit and shrugs. “Damn it… I still know you’ll think I’m insane but… there’s just something really appealing about hot sauce right now.. and I don’t even like hot sauce! I hate spicy food!” 

Lukas stands there looking stunned for a moment, then he starts to laugh a bit. I shoot him a glare and he puts his hands up. “Emil you’re right, that’s crazy! But if that’s what you want I’ll let you have it! Put whatever you want on it! I’m just gonna eat it as is!” Lukas picks up his bowl and walks out to the living room, leaving me in the r kitchen to put my “toppings” on. God this is the grossest thing I’ve ever thought about! What is wrong with me right now? I get it, I’m pregnant, but why do I need to eat hot sauce if all things?!

I walk over to the cupboard and open it up, grabbing out our bottle of hot sauce and then hesitating. Am I really about to do this? It is way more than obvious this baby belongs to a serial killer. I pour hot sauce over all of the exposed parts of the ice cream before putting the bottle back and joining Lukas. He looks at my bowl for a minute, as if he can’t believe I actually did it, then looks away. I shouldn’t eat this. I know it’s going to be super gross and I’m going to regret it. But I just can’t help but want it so bad. So I quickly take a spoonful and shove it in my mouth. 

I’m overrun by the burning of the hot sauce mixed with the coolness of the ice cream in seconds. I can feel tears sting my eyes, but somehow, this is good. Why is it good? Please tell me this will go away the moment I’m done with this pregnancy because I’ve I’m eating this for the rest of my life, I’ll hate myself for it. Lukas puts a hand on my shoulder but I ignore it and keep eating. If this is going to be my dinner I may as well finish it, spicy or not. There’s chocolate ice cream under there and it might just help with the pain in my mouth. 

I can’t believe I finished the whole bowl. I don’t think Lukas can either as he watched me set the bowl down, fanning my mouth with tears in my eyes. He sets his bowl down and puts a hand on my knee. “Well.. can I get you anything else..? Some milk maybe..?” 

I think it over. Yeah, that would be nice. But on the other hand, now I’m starting to want more spicy stuff. I hate this with every inch of my body. “Do we have anything else spicy like that..?” I ask, though it’s obvious in trying not to cry. Lukas puts up his finger and takes out dishes into the kitchen. I wait for a minute before he walks back out with two things. A glass of milk, and a covered plate. 

“Here’s some leftover Thai food I had for lunch the other day with a coworker. It was a bit too spicy for me so I decided to save it for later.” I nod and take the plate, immediately getting into it. Oh god this is even worse. I can feel the tears start to roll down my cheeks now, the burning in my mouth is almost unbearable. I hear someone walk into the room and look up to see Mathias. He gets a very confused look on his face and Lukas clears his throat. “Cravings.” He says and then looks back at me. I nod and wipe my cheeks dry. “You can go back to bed, Mathias, I’ll be up in a bit.. I just want to make sure Emil stops before he catches on fire.” Mathias nods slowly and walks back up the stairs, and Lukas takes the plate away from me. “Alright, that’s enough. You’ll make yourself sick with all of this. Come on, drink your milk and then it’s bedtime.” I’m glad Lukas stopped me, another bite and I probably would have screamed. Thank the lord for the milk.


	5. Chapter 5

I can’t believe I’ve got this milestone. Fourteen weeks. I’ve been pregnant for fourteen weeks. My belly is definitely noticeable when I’m in any clothes, especially when I sit down. Just today I sat down on the couch and Isak pointed it out. I can’t blame him since I was wearing one of my own shirts, but it still stung a bit for a seven year old to point out I’ve gotten bigger. But doctor Oxfordshire says that this means I’m in my fourth month, and I’m already in my second trimester. She explained to me what that meant because, well, I didn’t know. So that means I only have five more months to go. It’s weird though, seeing this thing growing from the outside. Because when I go to get ultrasounds done, I can see what’s making my body change the way it is. It still looks weird, probably because it’s the size of an apple right now and hardly has a body, but it sends shivers down my spine to look at it. 

I’ve started to leave my room a lot more now that the morning sickness has mostly gone away, and I’ve been trying to spend more time with my family. Unfortunately Peter eavesdropped on our conversation the other day about how I’m feeling and how it overall is like being pregnant and found out about it. We didn’t really intend on telling him at all, and wanted to keep it a secret because we didn’t want him to know he wouldn’t have a cousin. I’m still planning on getting rid of it, and Lukas and I have been looking for people to adopt it. We have an interview with a couple on Thursday. Unfortunately Peter is a brat and he figured it out. 

He asks a lot of questions, mostly about why the baby is in me. Everytime He asks I shoot glares at Tino and Berwald for not having “the talk” with him yet. I’ve always just told him that the baby is in me because it needed a warm place to grow and be safe from birds trying to eat it. Lukas doesn’t think it’s too funny but Peter thinks I’m an absolute hero for that. Berwald appreciates me not telling the truth, I can tell he does. 

Sometimes Peter asks me if I can feel the baby in there, and I tell him not yet. That it’ll start moving around eventually, when it gets stronger. He asks me if I can hear it, and I tell him no, because it doesn’t talk or breath. He’s always confused about it not breathing but he doesn’t question it. He’s come up with the idea that it has a snorkel in there so it can breathe. Kids are dumb but honestly, I wish I was that creative. But if the baby can have its own snorkel it should be paying me rent, because it’s starting to hurt me. My back hurts, my feet hurt, my belly hurts. Everything. Lukas bought a heating pad for me on Tino’s request, for my back to help relieve my muscles. It helps a little bit, but not much. Sometimes we use ice packs too, since it’s also just swelling from the baby pushing up against my bones. It’s not even that big and yet it’s affecting me like this. I can’t wait for it to get bigger. 

I’m sitting on the couch when the door opens, and Mathias walks in, holding one of those cake boxes from the bakery. I raise a brow as he walks over and sets it on the coffee table in front of Lukas and I. He opens the box to reveal a simple looking cake, with “Congrats on getting to the second trimester” on it. I can’t help but laugh at it and Lukas smiled a bit. Mathis goes and grabs a couple of plates, getting some a slice of cake and then telling me there’s a surprise to it. Now I’m interested. I take a bite and suddenly I feel a tingling on my tongue. “Tada! I had them make you a chocolate cake with jalapeños in it!” Well shit. That’s nice of him. I can’t believe he actually remembered that though. 

I wipe my eyes from a new found set of tears. Not from the spice, the spice isn’t too bad, but from just how thankful I am for this. Lukas sets his plate down with a disgusted look, obviously not digging the spicy thing, and Mathias’s face scrunches up from his first bite. I smirk and take another bite, leaning back in my seat and placing a hand on my belly. “Thanks Mathias. I appreciate it!” I tell him, knowing damn well all of this is mine because nobody else likes it. That’s when Peter bounces into the room, and he notices the cake on the table

“Is that cake?! Can I have some?!” Lukas and I look at each other before we both smirk. I nod and hand him my plate. “Thank you!” He exclaims, shoving a forkful of the cake into his mouth. His face immediately twists and he spits it back out. “EW!” He yells, running off to the kitchen. Lukas, Mathias and I burst into laughter. That was too perfect, I wish we had gotten it on video or something, because that is one hell of a memory to have. 

I feel a small pain in my side and wince a little, and obviously Lukas catches that. He puts a hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eyes. “Emil is everything ok?” Mathias looks over, and I smile, nodding. 

“Yeah there’s just this tiny little pain in my side. It’s nothing big, really, it’s more of an achy pain, I probably slept on it wrong. I tend to sleep on that side more than the other.” That isn’t a lie. I prefer to sleep on my left side over my right side. I may only be fourteen weeks, but it’s already sort of painful to lay on my back, and laying on my stomach is out of the question. Lukas slowly nods and I get a new slice of cake since Peter spit on mine, eating it and feeling the small tingle in my mouth again. Lukas and Mathias have been pretty good about stopping me when it gets too much, and Lukas has been reading online articles and stuff that say giving into your cravings isn’t exactly the best thing. I told him I would just get the stuff on my own if he didn’t get it for me so he dropped it. I’m allowed to eat whatever I want as long as it isn’t possibly dangerous. He also makes sure I don’t eat anything that’s a little too spicy. I’m not sure what it is with spicy food but I’m like an addict. 

Mathias walks over and sits down, twisting my form into his mouth just as I pick it up. I gasp dramatically and shake my head. “Geez, stealing from a pregnant man! I’m trying to feed my baby here, back off!” Mathias nods as he reluctantly swallows what he stole and shudders. I kind of assumed he wouldn’t like it. The taste is super weird. Lukas stands up and walks over to Mathis, leaning in front of him and then grabbing him by the septum piercing. 

“Didn’t your mother ever teach you that stealing was bad.” He joked and watched as Mathias whined out in pain from having his nose pulled on in such a sensitive part. “Oh stop complaining this isn’t any different than my hair getting caught on that stupid thing!” Lukas let go and Mathias rubbed his nose with a huff. Sort of makes me wonder what it would be like to pull on his eyebrow piercing too, but hey, I’m not going to do that. That would be weird. I also wonder how often Lukas’s hair gets caught in Mathis’s nose piercing now. 

I rub my side a little and lean back. I just need some rest is all. There’s nothing at all wrong with me, I know that. But I’m still concerned. What if my body is too small to grow it? And it hurts like hell? What if I’m not able to give birth and I have to get the cesarean like Tino did and I have a scar forever? I really don’t want that, people in school would see it and get suspicious of me. I can’t have anybody knowing about this. I may have told my friends, but I trust them to keep this a secret. And obviously the people in this house won’t end up telling anybody else. But I just can’t shake a bad feeling. I’m not sure what it is and I’m starting to get a little anxious.

I stand up and look at lukas and Mathias. “I’m gonna go lay down for a bit..” I tell them, going upstairs to my room. I shake my head and sit down on my bed, leaving the door slightly ajar. What’s wrong with me? Why are there butterflies in my chest? I sigh softly before I hear the doorbell ring downstairs. Who could that be? We never have visitors? Did Peter invite a friend over? I thought Peter wasn’t allowed to have friends over with me like this. I stand up as I hear the front door open, and then a woman’s voice cuts through the silence. “Lukas, look at you!” I’m suddenly nauseous. No. That witch shouldn’t be here, no!

I run down the stairs as Lukas is smothered in a hug, Mathias watching with a small smirk. He turns to look at me, and his smirk drops from seeing how angry I look. “Get out! You shouldn’t be here you dirty whore!” I yell at her and storm off into the other room. I hear a small gasp and Lukas gasping for air as footsteps follow me. I corner myself in the kitchen and facepalm. Dammit, I’m stupid. “Don’t even think about apologizing, mom. You made a mistake having me and pretty much almost ruined my life! You’re lucky I had a capable brother!”

My mother huffs and puts her hands on her hips. She’s gotten thin again. She must be back on drugs again or something. I can smell the smoke on her from across the room. “Now Emil! It isn’t MY fault that child services found out I had another baby six years after I had you! I did a VERY good job of hiding you from people those years! And look at you! You turned out perfect!” She raised a brow. “Maybe a little bit chubby but..”

I groan and shake my head. “I’m not chubby, mom..” I mutter, messing with a cup on the counter. “You don’t know a lot of things about me, or about Lukas, so I wouldn’t call me chubby if i were you..” She raises her head before shaking her head. She walks closer to me and I back up against the counter as far as I can. I have to think of a way to get her away from me. She stinks so bad. It’s a mix of alcohol from yesterday and drugs. I have to think of an excuse. What can I say? What can I do? That’s when I remember the little pains in my side. I take a deep breath and look her dead in the eyes, no expression other than furrowed brows. “LUKAS I’M HAVING PAINS AGAIN!” I yell, hearing Lukas walk in and he quickly nudges my mom out of the way. I wink at him and he smirked. 

“Alright buddy, come on, let’s get you upstairs.” He says and puts an arm around me, walking me to the stairs. I walk up them but watch Lukas leave as I hide at the top of the stairs. I listen closely to Lukas. “Mom, you can’t take Emil. You can’t afford to take care of him right now, he needs a lot of attention.” 

I can hear my mom groan. “Emil isn’t a baby! He looks great, I’m sure it can’t be horrible! He’s bright, I bet he’s smart, pretty face!” Oh god, does she want to traffic me? If she does I’m calling the police. Because she has to go through months of court to get me back and at that point I’ll have had my baby and I’ll be sixteen. My birthday may be in June, and it may only be in late January, but it’ll take her way too long to get the rights for me. Plus, she’ll never pass the drug test, house test, money. She has nothing to provide for me. She can’t have me. Lukas makes more in a month than she has in a year. 

“Mom.” Lukas’s voice is gentle, and I can tell what he’s about to say. I shut my eyes tight and beg him in my head not to say anything. Never tell her. I don’t want her to know about me. About what happened to me. “Emil is pregnant.. and I’m scared that you aren’t in a good place to take care of him. It’s obvious you’re still on drugs! You’re drinking! From the trashy clothing you got off the street I can tell you don’t have a job, money, a place to live! So tell me how the hell you think you can provide for him! In fact, tell me anything about Emil! What’s his favourite food, his favourite colour, how tall is he, do you even know when his birthday is?!” There’s silence, and I can feel the anger resting in the air, so I walk back down the stairs and look at Lukas. My mom turns around and looks at me. It’s obvious from the look on her face that she’s disgusted. 

“You’re just saying that! I am perfectly eligible to take care of Emil! There’s no way he’s having a baby because he is a BOY!” I quickly run up the stairs and she follows, Lukas tailing behind her. “Emil, where are you going, get back here!” I go into my room and grab up all of my folders from my doctor visits, shoving them into her hands as she walks into my room. She opens them and looks at each. Her face twists and she shakes her head. “So how the hell did this happen? I could have sworn you were a boy.. I may have been completely wasted giving birth to you but-“

“Mom!” I yell, grabbing my folders back and setting them on my desk. “You’re right! I have a dick! But I guess you fucked me up so badly when you were pregnant with me that my body got confused and mutated! So if you think about it, this is all your fault!” She puts a hand on her chest and leans back away from me. “I was raped on my way to school! I got beat and thrown onto the road! I am four months pregnant! Actually almost five if I’m right! I’m fat, my back hurts, and I can’t stop eating spicy foods! It’s killing me!”

She watched me with a blank face and I can’t help but feel tears come to my eyes. “You’ll never have me back.. as long I have a say in it, and as long as you keep this act up, you will never be able to see me..” I hug myself and look away from her as Lukas walks into the room, putting an arm around me and pulls my shoulders down so that I sit down with him. Mathias walks in a minute later and sits on my other side, joining in on the hug. I don’t know if it’s just because he really likes hugs or if it’s because he feels bad for me, but this reminds me of when I was little. I would have a nightmare and the two of them would come into my room and hug me until I fell back asleep. Damn those were the days. It was when everything was calm and quiet. Now I’m sobbing and I can’t stop. My mom is watching and it’s obvious she’s disappointed in how Lukas and I have turned out. She looks up and down a few times and I instinctively hug myself from how insecure I feel. 

I hear heavy footsteps and suddenly Berwald is in the doorframe, looking at my mother. He raises a brow and seeing how upset I am, glares at her. “Is everything alright in here..?” He asks us, and Lukas opens his mouth to speak before my mother cuts in. 

“Yes, I was just seeing how crazy the lord above is! How he could cause such disgusting things to happen to a boy! He must have done something horrible to have deserved this! What did you do Emil, hm?!” She’s started to yelling at me, and I can feel the tears start to well up again 

And that’s when I heard the gun cock. Everyone went silent and still, and as Berwald stepped out of the doorway, and my mother turned around, she was face to face with a shotgun. “Ma’am..” Tino put his finger over the trigger. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave before my children become anymore frightened by the crack whore screaming at their cousin.” Tino said with his brows furrowed. My mother put a hand on her chest and went to open her mouth but stopped in fear as Tino thrusted the gun forward. She huffed and shook her head. 

“Fucking crazies..” she grumbled and Mathias stood up, hands on his hips. “Oh no! Let me walk you out!” He said with a sickly sweet tone, patting her back so hard she lost her air. She quickly ushered her out of the room and was gone in a flash. Lukas pulls away and wipes some of the tears off of my face. 

I’m not sure why I’m crying. I can’t stop the tears from falling. I hate my mom. I’ve never let a thing she’s told me affect me in my life. Not until now of course. What the hell is wrong with me? I look up at Lukas and he gives me a small comforting smile that makes me feel a little better. Maybe it’s those hormones pregnant ladies always talk about. In my previous experience hormones are just supposed to give me boners. But I guess since there’s a baby growing inside of me I’m just going to cry instead. I hear the door slam downstairs as Tino is turning the safety lock on for his gun, and soon Mathias reappears with a smirk on his face. He has that ‘don’t worry she won’t be coming back’ look on his eyes. I’ve seen it all too many times with him dealing with my bullies. Mathias is attractive. Have I said that before? Well, he is. And that’s where he comes in handy. A lot of girls tend to pick on me, maybe even more than guys do actually. So when things go too far and boyfriends start getting involved because I called someone a bitch, Mathias steps on and immediately solves everything. His pretty looks and smooth talking is enough. That’s one reason I’m glad he’s around. For now I just want to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

I’m so nervous. I can’t believe that today I’m meeting the people who could possibly be raising my baby. I know it’ll be a quick in and out deal, they passed the house test, and from what the adoption agency has told me, they’re incredible people. I really hope they’re all that they’ve been made to be. I’ve read their form over and over again. The man, a chef. The woman, a fashion designer. They’ve adopted two other children who are extremely happy. They live in a nice large home close to a school, and a hospital. Lukas keeps telling me how nice this is going to be, that everything is going to turn out great for us. In reality, I can’t stop thinking about every mistake I could possibly make when picking out the parents. What if they’re secretly sex abusers? Or they’re on some sort of drugs? What then? I’ll have made a horrible choice. 

I can’t stop messing with my hands, and I’m starting to feel a little nauseous as we pull into the parking lot. I take a few deep breaths and feel Lukas put his hand over mine. He smiles reassuringly, and I try my best to smile back but it’s hard. What if I just.. decided to keep it. It wouldn’t be that hard to raise a baby right? I remember helping out a lot of the time with Isak when he was a baby, even if I was just a little kid. I’ve grown up since then and I’ve done a lot more to help out with my cousins. But I know it would put Lukas in misery. I would be ignorant on how to take care of a baby and he would have to come and help me every time. Or I would have to have Tino’s help, knowing damn well that he doesn’t want anymore kids. So in the end, adoption is my best bet. 

The two of us walk into the building, and my anxiety grows as I look around. I forgot how bleak this waiting room is. Dammit maybe I really should just keep it and push through the hell of raising it. But then the receptionist tells us to go to the third floor. That the couple is already waiting for us. We’re late? Oh god what a great impression to make. Lukas thanks her and walks with me into the elevator. We have a short conversation, and he tells me I need to stop being nervous. That I’ve read the paper so many times my thumbs have left dents in the page. He’s right. I’ve read it more times than I can count. But even so I still can’t help my fear. 

The receptionist on the third floor tells us to go to the third room on the left, and we do. It’s a short-ish walk, and the Lukas knocks before we walk in. I’m surprised to see an older looking couple, and obviously their two kids sitting next to them, the two of them looking at a picture book. They brought their children? What buzzkills. 

Lukas and I sit down and I hug myself loosely, looking at the four people across from me. Two boys, a mother and a father. The woman clears her throat and smiles at me. “You must be Emil, I’m Kat! This is my husband Henry, and our two sons! It’s great to finally meet you! We’ve been so nervous!” I nod slowly and Lukas nudges me. “Oh, there’s no need to be shy! We aren’t new to the system, and we can assure you we won’t step over any comfort zones!” She looks over at Lukas. “Is this the father?”

Lukas looks over at me and I furrow my brows. “No, this is my brother. The father is some piece of shit who I didn’t even see the face of before he cracked my head open.” I spat out. She and Henry both lost their smiles and reared back a little bit. Lukas smacks my arm and huffs. “What I’m telling the truth aren't i?”

“I am so sorry about that. He’s been a bit cranky the last few days, and he didn’t sleep well last night. It reminds me of when he was little, being able to sleep in his room because he’s afraid.” I quickly punch him in the arm, but he just laughs and rubs the already forming bruise on his delicate skin. “Sorry sorry!”

I cross my arms and slouch back in my chair, looking down at my lap. “I’m not cranky..” I mutter. Lukas scoffs and shakes his head. 

Lukas takes my hand and smiles wearily at me. I roll my eyes and look off to the side. “I’m sorry he’s like this, he’s just nervous. He gets this way when he’s scared. If my boyfriend Mathias were here he would probably be more chipper, it makes both of us feel better to tug on his septum piercing since he gets all quiet. He never stops talking.” 

Kat chuckles a bit and I can’t help but smile. Yeah, that does make me feel a bit better. Watching Mathias get all quiet and whining like a baby is hilarious. He always acts so strong and tough but when you find the right spot he just breaks. “Emil.” I look back at her and she smiles. “Do you know the gender of the baby?” Do I? Did they tell me that? I can’t exactly remember, so I shrug and look over at Lukas. He shakes his head. “Oh, well, we would love to know, if you were to choose us. Do you know when it’s due?”

I sit up a bit and rub my side, nodding. “Yeah uhm.. late May I think, early June.” Lukas nods and I put my hands on my back, pushing on it and causing a few pops to be heard. I let out a small sigh and relax a little. “I guess Lukas is right.. I get upset when I don’t sleep well. This stupid bump is screwing with my schedule. Ever since I got pregnant my sleep schedule has been screwed up, actually. Probably started because of the morning sickness and now I’m just in and out of sleep constantly. “It doesn’t move, and I can’t really tell it’s in there other than this weird feeling in my gut, it’s just the back pain.” 

Kat and Henry nod, and for the first time he speaks. “Have you been taking care of yourself? Going on walks and you know, watching what you eat?” Lukas bites his lip and looks away, and I shrug. 

“I eat a lot I guess. More than I used to. Mostly anything spicy does it. I hate spicy food but I can’t get enough of it. And as for walks, I do go up and down the stairs a lot during the day, since I’m sort of weird about going outside after what happened the last time I took a walk.” 

Henry cleared his throat and pressed the pads of his fingers together. “If it’s not too personal, can you tell us how this happened? We can give the kids a movie and some headphones if it’s not.. appropriate.” I have to think that over. These people are complete strangers to me personally. I know about them, but only from what I read on a piece of paper. I don’t like what happened, but I can never stop thinking about it. So I give a small nod. 

It takes a few minutes but Kat finally gets their kids settled. I watch as she sits back down, the kids now on the other side of the room with headphones and a tablet in front of them. I take a deep breath and Lukas gives me his hand. I squeeze it and shut my eyes. “I don’t remember half of it. What I do remember is walking to school. We live in a farmhouse, and it’s within walking distance of a bus stop, twenty minutes or so on foot. I walk that route five days a week. And apparently someone saw that as an opportunity to catch me off guard. There’s never anyone on that road. I was walking, around ten minutes in I felt like someone was.. watching me. And then the felt something heavy hit the back of my head. I fell to the ground and felt myself being dragged by the ankles into the trees. I tried so so hard to! To fight back but! I wasn’t strong enough and he finally knocked me out! That’s where everything went dark and I woke up in the hospital!” I’m sobbing at this point, and Lukas scoots over, offering a hug. I take it and bury my face into his chest. He rubs my back and tells me that everything will be ok, and that it’s fine. I know it's a lie. I can’t stop that. I know he probably thinks everything will be ok, but I can tell it isn’t. 

Kat puts a hand on her chest and she frowns. Henry put a hand on her leg and she leaned forward, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Emil.. that’s an absolutely horrible thing to go through.. but we want you to know that if you can’t do it, we can.. our boys were adopted because one’s only parent, their mother, died in childbirth. And the other one we adopted from a young woman who couldn’t get off of drugs and knew she wouldn’t be able to care for her baby.. we know this must be hard for you, but we can promise you with everything we have to take the best care we can of your baby..” 

I nod and look at the two adults across from me. Maybe I was wrong. They look like perfectly fine people and I don’t have much of an issue. “You can have it… I trust you..” I can see relief wash over their faces, as if they were scared that I wouldn’t choose them to adopt my baby. Yeah, I was considering saying no, but these are the best candidates. Well.. the only ones but the best. I don’t know if I’ll find anyone better after them. Lukas pulls away and gives my arm a small pat. Kind of like he’s saying “good job” but not. Yeah, be proud of me for making such an adult decision right. He probably just thinks I’m trying to get rid of it as quickly as possible. I’m not. 

Lukas and I sign a lot of papers there at the agency, and we make sure Kat and Henry have Lukas’s phone number and Mathias’s, and now we can go. I’m starving half to death and my feet hurt, I’m definitely ready to go home. Lukas tells me we can probabaly stop by somewhere and get something quick for me to eat, since he needs to go shopping anyways. I can either sit in the car and wait, or I can go into the store with him. I know if I do I’ll just complain about my feet and my back hurting, but it’ll also be pretty obvious I’m pregnant with the shirt I’m wearing. And I tell that to Lukas. He tells me that’s ok and we start driving. 

I’ve been asleep most of the time Lukas has been doing things, but soon he shakes me awake. I groan and look over at him as he hands me a bag from a store. I raise a brow and open it. This better be some food because god. But instead, I pull out a baggy sweater. Lukas nudges his hand at me to put it on, so I slip it over my shirt. It’s huge on me, but somehow it’s just right. I can’t help but smile and Lukas puts his seatbelt on as we leave the parking lot. It’s really comfortable, and warm. 

We get to the grocery store and go inside, and Lukas tells me if I see anything I want to let him know. There’s plenty of things in here that look good to me and I decide to maybe choose something that’s better for me. Lukas walks with the cart as he looks at things, and I walk a little bit ahead. I look at a variety of things, though somehow we end up with mac’n’cheese and spicy crisps in our cart, which is a little disappointing. So I decided to also get some fruits. Although all I really want is apples. Of course out of the blue I hear Lukas snickering. I turn to look at him and he smirks at me. “For someone who really hates pregnancy you’ve had your hand on your belly almost this whole time..” he muttered as he throws a bag of frozen carrots into the corner of the cart. My face heats up a bit as I rub the top of the bump a bit. “Hey, nothing to be embarrassed about but you made a big deal out of it before.”

I huff and shake my head. “I didn’t even notice I was doing it..” I tell him as I pick up a box of crisps. I put them in the cart. Lukas raises a brow before shrugging and continuing on. We don’t spend much more time looking for things since Lukas decides what he wants to make for dinner and we check out. Now we can finally go home. 

I ate some of the crisps I bought in the car, though I sort of fell asleep for most of the drive home. Lukas wakes me up when we finally get home and I help him get the groceries inside. We talk a little bit not much, since I tell him I’m tired and I want to go to bed. Lukas says he understands and let’s me be, but first I make some mac’n’cheese. It’s the microwaveable dinner bowl thing, if that makes sense. It tastes pretty good but I’m dozing off as I eat it here on the couch.


	7. Chapter 7

Mathias got let go from his main job last week, and spends a lot of time at home with me. He tells me all the time he doesn’t mind not working during the day, that having his weekend jobs and his graveyard shift on Tuesday and Thursday is enough for him. But I can’t help but wonder how much he misses working during the week. He had a lot of fun, he worked at a retail store for five years, and they apparently needed to let a few people go due to budget cuts, and Mathias happened to be one of the people. He tends to do a lot of cleaning though, and asks me plenty of questions about my pregnancy. You know, like a child would. Now that I’m around six months in, it’s started to move around and punt a little. It feels so weird, it’s hard to explain it. 

Today is like any other day, Mathias and I aren’t doing much of anything. According to what the internet thinks, I “carry heavy”. I’m guessing it’s another way of saying I’m fat, or I have a big baby in me and my bump is huge at this point when it usually isn’t. Probably both. Although according to my doctor it IS a pretty big baby. That’s what she says. And my bump is over average size. From the pictures I’ve seen at least. 

I’ve also been spending a lot more time reading books, too. Mostly mystery novels since they put me at a sort of ease. And when I read them out loud, the baby gets a lot more active in there. Like I said it’s weird to feel, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t like how it felt sometimes. Although I have to pee quite a bit. It wasn’t so bad before but now it’s just a pain in my ass. 

I forget about it Every Time, but every so often when Mathias talks, the baby gives a sort of rougher kick. It’s not all that rough considering it isn’t that big, but it can be categorized as bigger than usual. I keep telling him it’s because it hates him as much as I do, and he thinks that’s a pretty funny answer. Mathias bothers me a lot to let him feel the baby kick too. Lukas has asked a couple of times but mostly only feels because I make him do it. I can’t help but mention it to him pretty much all the time that it’s kicking, and I grab his hand and put it over the spot I last felt it. He gets all nervous about it usually, but I don’t really care. I can see it, he kind of thinks it’s cute. 

I look up at the TV and focus on what’s playing. Some sort of show about court, I think. It’s not that interesting, just a lot of yelling and pointing fingers. Although I’m gonna want a paternity test done on my baby since I do want to take the guy who did this to me to court and lock him up for life. I’ve been studying it. I can sue him for assault, sexual assault, rape, attempted murder, a lot. And for a lot of money too. Not like I want the money but it could do the farm pretty good. I know if Lukas knew I wanted the money for the farm instead of for college he would protest but! It’s my choice because it’s my money. 

Mathias walks into the room with a cup of coffee, reminding me just how early it is. I forgot, it’s only really around ten in the morning. I’m not used to being here without Tino around, but he had to go out due to some family troubles back in Finland. It sounds like it’ll be a fun trip. I’ve only ever seen his pictures of it there, and he says he’ll take me some day. Sounds fun but I have other places I want to see first. I’ve always wanted to go to Germany actually. It looks pretty aesthetically pleasing. 

My thoughts are broken by the movements against my belly, and I place a hand on my bump. It must have been tired or something all morning, since I haven’t really felt anything, but now it’s going to do things. Mathias looks over and gives me a smile before returning to watching TV, and I can’t help but feel a little awkward. Yeah, Mathias has been like a brother to me since Lukas got custody, and I shouldn’t be, but Mathias and I haven’t spent much time alone since I was little. Usually it’s just when the two of us are asleep while everyone else is working a late shift, or being in the kitchen at the same time. He drives me to school when the weather is bad and stuff but other than that, we haven’t talked a lot. I think he can tell I’m a little antsy and he looks over. “Hey, why don’t we do something fun today!” He exclaims. I raise a brow at him and shrug. “I don’t know we could do anything you want! We could go get some lunch, or we could go drinking!”

I roll my eyes and rub my belly a bit. “First of all, I’m pregnant. Second, I’m a minor. I can’t go drinking with you, Mathias.” He laughs nervously with a little ‘I knew that!’ As I think it over. “Lunch does sound pretty good though I guess. But my back hurts and I’m not really in the mood to go sit in a restaurant. So we could just place an order, go get it, and then come home?” Mathias nods and I smile. “It’s a plan. Lukas would be proud! We’re getting along and neither of us are dead yet!” 

Mathias let out a laugh and nods, lounging a bit to finish his coffee. I jump a bit at a much bigger kick and rub the spot I felt it, catching Mathias attention. I shake my head. “That was a pretty big one, Geez…” I mutter, and I see Mathias light up. I huff and take his hand, moving it a few different places until he finally gets to feel something. Albeit a lot smaller than the last one it still satisfies him. 

“It’s so weird, damn!” He said with a chuckle, and I shrug. “Oh come on! It must feel so much weirder to you though!” I nod. “Well, it’s hard not to be curious when your little brother is beat up from the inside!” 

I take his hand off of me and push his face, causing him to dramatically fall on the floor. He gasps. “Assault!” He yelled, but the two of us just started laughing instead. 

We get coats before going out and call ahead to a teriyaki place we’ve been to a few times before with Lukas, and then we’re on our way. It’s a lot more fun than when we usually drive together, and he even jokes about letting me drive for the practice. I tell him not thank you since I would probably get distracted anyways. Plus the bumpiness of the driving makes me a bit nauseated, and is making the baby a bit upset I think. It’s kicking up a storm in there. 

We get the food and then start on the drive back home, talking about anything we could find to talk about. Mostly though we talked about the farm, and how it was getting around time to start going out and doing field things. I feel bad that I won’t be able to go out and help since I’ll still be pregnant by the time we start working. We usually start in June, which is only a few months away now. So it won’t be long before they go out to work and I’m stuck inside. 

We go inside and eat in the living room, and it’s mostly a silent task. We have a movie on and we mostly pay attention to that instead of talking to each other. But there’s other things on my mind. Like how I’m six months pregnant, the doctor says I’m around twenty six weeks. I can tell, it’s pretty easy. I avoid leaving the house for things like just leaving the house, since people would probably notice me. I don’t really want anyone to stare at me because I’m.. like this. 

Lukas comes home a bit earlier than usual today, in which he explains that he finished his tasks for the day and got out of there before they could throw more work onto him. I get it, he probably just wanted to get home early and make sure we’re not dead. Mathias isn’t the best with me, obviously, it was easier when I was younger to take care of me. But now I’m fifteen. I’m also pregnant and anything could go wrong so I don’t blame Lukas being concerned. 

We eat a very small dinner since Berwald is working late and the boys are staying with their grandfather for the weekend. During dinner though I start to feel a few pains, but I shrug them off. I’ve had pains here and there throughout this pregnancy and they don’t necessarily concern me at this point. Except for the fact that these ones are a bit worse than usual. I set my fork down and take a silent deep breath, but unfortunately for me Lukas notices that. He looks up from his food. “Emil is everything ok?” He asks. 

I nod before a sharp pain rings in my lower abdomen, causing me to clench my teeth. “No!” I manage to say quickly as I put a hand on my bump. Lukas gets up and leaves the room, coming back with his jacket and his keys. Mathias looks a bit confused but mostly concerned. He gets up too and helps me out of my seat, since the pain is so bad I can hardly stand. 

He helps me out to the car and offers to drive, and Lukas says it’s fine since it’s better for him to sit with me anyways. I’m glad Lukas is back here with me, he’s warm and he only has nice things to say. Mostly telling me it’s nothing to worry about. I just don’t like how fast Mathias is driving, it freaks me out a bit. Getting into a crash would be some sort of worse than this. Lukas calls ahead to the doctor so she knows we’ll be there, and she says if I’m uncomfortable coming in through the front she’ll wait by the side door. Yeah, I definitely don’t want to be in front of people. She says the west of the building she’ll keep a door open for us. 

I can’t believe this. I wasn’t supposed to go to the hospital for another four weeks at the most. At least not until the end of my third trimester. The only reason I should have gone in was for check ups. But after that little scare, the doctor thinks it may be a sign of me going into early labour either now, or soon. So she and Lukas decided it was the best line of action to keep me in the hospital for a bit just in case. They have me on fluids and gave me some medications that should stop contractions if they were to happen. She also gave me medications to help speed up the growth rate, and the other ones get buffed from it. It’s pretty good in my case so I can mostly ignore the fact I’m a bit sore from earlier. I’m embarrassed to say but Mathias had to carry me in. My legs were shaking so badly that it was hard for me to stand up and get going. 

I’m pretty tired, after that scare I was pretty tempted to take a nap. But instead I had to be transferred to a different department in the hospital, checked in, put into a room, and then set up. I asked Mathias if he could go home and get me some different clothes, he hasn’t gotten back yet, but he said he would go. It’s a pretty nice room though, it looks like something out of a reality show. There’s a big window with a couch in it, and nice dark blackout curtains. I’m glad we have a nice room like this. Lukas has been sitting on the couch this whole time, he’s pretty anxious in my opinion. He hasn’t got a reason though. I’m not anxious so why should he be? Ok that’s a little lie, I’m sort of shaken up over that. I can’t stop wondering what it would have been like if I had given birth in Lukas’s car. I would feel so bad! There would be blood and gross stuff all over his backseat! Well, that’s what I’ve seen from birth videos. I’m scared of those videos after what I’ve seen. 

Lukas gives a call to Kat and Henry once he remembers about them. I can assume it’s good to tell them that the guy they're adopting the baby of is in the hospital. And finally Mathias returns. He leaves the room while Lukas helps me get changed. It’s still one of Mathias’s shirts, and I just stick to a pair of pajama pants and my boxers for bottoms. He also grabbed a blanket off of my bed so that I didn’t have to deal with the cold stuff hospital sheets and instead I can have my comforter. It’s nice of him to do that. He then says he’s going to go and get something in place of dinner, and offers to get Lukas and I something if we want. Lukas says he’s fine with anything. But then Doctor Oxfordshire buys in when I go to say I want something spicy. 

“Emil, I know that’s what you’re craving right now, but it’s not a good idea.” She pats my shoulder. “Foods with high levels of spice in them can cause you to go into labour, and you’re trying to avoid that right now, right?” I frown but nod. “I recommend something easy on your body, maybe some chicken, some rice? Get some carbs in you for energy.” Mathias notes that all down before going out to grab us all some food, and doctor Oxfordshire leaves Lukas and I alone so she can go and check on her other patients. But for now? I could really just use a good nap.


	8. Chapter 8

Kat and Henry have been coming by at every chance they can this past two weeks. And the doctors have been closely monitoring me. I’ve had a few more bad pains but nothing we haven’t solved with medication. But apparently they’re concerned about something. They ask me every day if I feel any movement, but I tell them no I don’t. I’m not lying, really after the first couple days of being in the hospital I’ve stopped feeling it kicking. When I was first in, the kicks were strong, but got less and less as time progressed. It gives me the spooks too but doctor Oxfordshire told me it’s probably just that the baby is getting ready to come out, thus causing it to stop moving while it shifts into the birthing position. It doesn’t seem like too big of an issue to me really. It helps me get more sleep, and from what they can tell, nothing is wrong. Although it is a bit harder to tell with males from what I’m told. The heartbeat is a bit more muffled than others so they can’t tell if it’s on the stronger side or the weaker side most of the time. 

I’ve also gotten a couple of visits from Berwald, and of course the boys. Tino is still off in Finland, apparently the situation got worse and he had to stay a lot longer than he had expected to. I feel bad for him, but at the same time, he’s finally away from his parenting duties. I know he’s probably at least happy about that. Peter keeps telling me the house feels really empty without Mathias and I in it, and Lukas since he usually comes to the hospital straight after work. They leave when visitor hours close but they’re there first thing in the morning. 

Mathias mostly spends the day with me when he isn’t doing work to get the field ready for this summer. He brings me in some new movies to put on the TV since I have nothing better to do while I’m in here. Although my back has really been hurting today and Lukas said he’s going to get here a little late due to showing a house further away than he usually would. And Mathias is working outside all day with the help of Berwald while the boys are at school. 

I’m watching the cars out the window when my phone starts ringing. I look over and see Toni’s caller ID, picking up and putting the phone to my ear. “Hey Emil! I've been meaning to call you but you know, I got busy! Lukas told you you’re in the hospital! How are you feeling?” 

I smile a bit and get comfortable in the bed, at least as best I can. “Well, it’s really boring. I’m not allowed out of my bed, food sucks. But I guess it’s alright. It’s quieter than the house. Although my back has hurt like hell since I woke up this morning..” I can’t help but complain about things. 

Tino whistles a bit and chuckles. “You know I wasn’t in the hospital for very long before having Isak! I actually avoided it until I went into labour! Trust me, that’s the worst part! Contractions are horrible! You know, I was in labour for eighteen hours, and I didn’t have to deal with giving birth but if you decide to do it I can assure you it’s probably worse than a caesarean!” Well that makes me feel a lot better. Because I do plan on trying to give birth, but if it doesn’t work out I’ll have to do an emergency caesarean. 

I rub my back and let out a small sigh. “Well, thanks for the advice I guess.” I say and Tino tells me a couple of more things. Easy ways to try and ease contractions, stuff like that. We don’t talk for long before I put my phone away and decide to take a nap. 

Instead though, I’m met with worse pains in my back. Itty a bunch of different sitting positions but I can’t find anything good. So I decide that a nap isn’t worth the effort. As I’m picking up my phone doctor Oxfordshire walks in with a small smile. “Good morning Emil!” She says with a small smile. “How are we feeling today?”

I just groan and throw my head back into my pillow. “My back hurts.” I tell her. She nods and writes it down on her clipboard. She asks me more questions, it’s the same thing every day. But as she’s going to leave the room, I feel a sharp pain in my stomach. I wince and she turns around. She walks back over. The pain doesn’t go away and I sink into my pillows, clenching my teeth. “Oh dear god..” I breathe out once the pain fades away. 

Doctor Oxfordshire sits down next to me on the bed. “I counted fifteen seconds. That’s the longest one yet.” She says and writes it down. “How did it feel? Any different than the other ones. I nod and can’t get the words out. She frowns and stands up. “Okay, just keep calm and i'll be back in a moment ok? If it happens again just hit the button and I’ll be right back in here.” I nod and she walks out. 

I run a hand through my hair and let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding in. That was different. That didn’t feel right. It hurt a lot more than the other times! Oh god what if I’m actually going into labour? I’ll probably be completely alone! I can tell Lukas but he most likely won’t be able to get here! And there’s no promise Mathias will pick up! Plus it’ll be weird to just have my brother in law here to watch me give birth.. Another sudden pain starts to ring through my lower body, and I grab the sides of my bed. Counting, right. The doctor always counts when this happens. So I start to count in my head, since my teeth are clenched too hard to count aloud. Once it’s over I sigh and take a few shaky breaths. Fifteen seconds, just like she said. I reach over and hit the button, trying to calm my rapid heartbeat. 

It doesn’t take long for doctor Oxfordshire to come back in, and I look over at her. “Fifteen seconds.. and I feel like I’m dying..” I tell her between heavy breaths. She nods and walks over, telling me I should probably stop trying to delay it and just let it happen. Oh great, so I guess I’m going into labour today! Perfect! I grab my phone, rather angrily unfortunately, and dial Lukas’s number. He picks up pretty quickly and says his little hello. “Hey, so, good news!” I say, though I can hear the sarcasm in my own voice. “I’m going into labour! Isn’t that just fucking amazing?!” 

“Alright Emil, calm down please! Getting angry isn’t going to help you!” He scolds me. I groan and shake my head. He doesn’t need to get like this right now. “I’m three hours away, but I think I’m getting close to selling this place. You probably won’t hold out for three hours but if you do, I’ll be there. Just stay calm, try calling Mathias or Berwald. I know this is hard but I promise I’ll be there as soon as I can. Be nice to your doctor please!” He says before the line breaks. He hung up on me. Asshole. 

I scroll through my contacts and find Mathias’s number, dialing it and waiting, begging him to pick it up. And he does. “Hey there Emil! Everything ok?” He asks, obviously out of breath. Did I make him run to get his phone, or was he just doing something? Actually, screw that, I don’t care. 

“I’m going into labour and Lukas told me I should call you.” I tell him. He chuckles a bit. 

“You sound really unamused with that, but that’s also no good! I have to finish up something real quick but I’ll be there soon as I finish! Got it?” I tell him yes and hang up on him, setting my phone off to the side. I don’t exactly have Kat and Henry’s numbers, but I know Mathias does so when he gets here I’ll have him call them. 

Mathias takes his sweet time getting here, and I’m in the middle of another contraction as he walks into the room. “Where the fuck have you been?!” I tell through the pain, Doctor Oxfordshire rubbing my shoulder a bit. Mathias speed walks over and sits down on the bed by me. 

“Sorry I wanted to shower first!” He whines to me, and I hit his shoulder as hard as I can when my contraction is over. “Ow!” He yells, rubbing his shoulder. I put my hands around my bump and take a few more deep breaths. Mathias puts a hand on my shoulder and gives me a nervous smile. “I know I’m not Lukas but according to the laws of marriage, I’m the closest thing to a brother you’re going to get right now!” I roll my eyes and whine a bit, and watch as the doctor clears her throat. 

“Now, in all of the male cases I’ve seen, the water breaks at some point. So just be sure to tell me when that happens ok? Sometimes it doesn’t happen until just before you give birth but most experience it at the beginning of contractions.” I nod and the doctor gets up and leaves, Mathias and I being alone. 

He isn’t much help to the situation, but it’s good to have someone’s hand to hold during contractions. Mathias complains here and there that I’m going to break his hand if I squeeze it any tighter, but I couldn’t care less. It’s been thirty minutes of on and off contractions, and I can’t stand it anymore. This isn’t going quick enough for me. I mean, I don’t want to give birth or anything, but this is awful, Tino was right. Kat and Henry said they would be a little late, since apparently there’s horrible traffic right now. I don’t really mind, Mathias has been taking a lot of pictures though, probably to show to Lukas later. Is this what normal brothers are supposed to do? He’s sort of an embarrassing brother if so. 

I feel another contraction starting and give Mathias’s hand a small squeeze to warn him as the pain starts to intensify, causing me to scrunch up my body in pain. “Jesus Christ make it stop!” I yell, and Mathias just watches, his face pale. He doesn’t know what to do, why would he? He’s never seen anyone have a baby before. And even if he had it probably wasn't someone he was this close to. Even so it’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life, and I think Mathis can tell that. The contraction ends and I feel a rush of warm liquid around my thighs. Did I just piss myself? Oh god I better not have. I lift up the blanket, but it’s not pee, because it doesn’t smell like it. Kinda smells a little sweet actually. I look over at Mathias, he tilts his head to see, and I push the blanket off. I don’t want it to get dirty. He gets a clear look at the wetness now soaking through my pants, as more of the fluid slowly trickles out. Thai is so gross, I can’t believe he has to sit here and watch this. I reach over and press my little button, cashing the doctor to come in. “I think my water just broke..” I tell her through my heavy breathing. Doctor Oxfordshire quickly comes over and examines everything. 

She and Mathias help me sit up and then get me out of the bed, making sure the fluid has mostly drained out. They help me out of my pants and out of the room, starting down the hall. “I think it’s about time you were moved into the delivery room, huh?” She joked, but I don’t think it’s that funny. Halfway down the hall I have another contraction and have to stop. Mathias just ends up picking me up bridal style and carrying me the rest of the way. I’ll have to thank him for that later. 

We get into the room and doctor Oxfordshire helps me get into a medical gown instead of my normal clothes, and I don’t have anything to complain about there. It’s a lot less restricting, although now I’m not wearing anything under. Not even underwear. It’s a little embarrassing with Mathias in the room with me.. 

The contractions are starting to get worse, and I’m getting tired. I want to sleep but apparently I’m too far along in labour to get any sleep. Mathias has let me keep ahold of his hand this whole time, and I’m surprised I haven’t broken it yet! But at this point it’s been an hour since this all started, and Latvand Henry still aren’t here, Lukas is probably still trying to get the stupid house sold, and all I have is Mathias. Mathias who’s trying to be positive about the situation no matter how many times I tell him this is nothing to be happy about. These people are crazy. 

Doctor Oxfordshire walks in this time with a nurse, and lifts up the blanket. “That’s pretty stretched out, I think it’s about time you started to push.” She says with a. Small smile. I feel the butterflies wake up in my chest. No. No no. Lukas isn’t even here, how am I supposed to do this?! Mathias takes my hand after asking me if it was ok for him to let a nurse record me giving birth, so that Lukas could see it later. I don’t want that very much but I suppose if Lukas is going to want to see this, let him see it. He hands his phone off to a nurse in the room and then pays more attention to me. Doctor Oxfordshire moves my legs onto some weird metal things and uses those to stretch my legs apart. This is so weird.. 

She looks up at me after putting on a medical mask. “Are you ready to start pushing Emil?” I give her a lazy thumbs up, and she slips on her plastic gloves. Jesus. I remember when I was little. This all seemed like it didn’t exist back then, huh? I used to be so innocent. Now look at me. I’m a fifteen year old about to push a baby out of my ass. I never would have thought this was possible. I think any of the men who have gone through this before me deserve a lot of praise. 

Mathias gives me a stern nod as I sit for the first word from the doctor. The moment she gives it I push as hard as I can, until I can’t anymore. I stop and take a few shaky breaths as Mathias rubs his hand. Although he gives it back to me once he finishes. After I get my breathing back on track, I do it again. I push as hard as I can for as long as she tells me to. She tells me I’m doing great, to just keep breathing in between. I’m trying pretty hard to do that. And again, third time. This time I start to feel a bit more pain in doing it, and let out a small yell of pain. Doctor Oxfordshire looks up at me and I can see the smile in her eyes. “I’m starting to see a head!” She tells me. I sigh in relief, although my pleasure doesn’t last long when she tells me it’s time to push again. I do and I’m once again met with agonising pain, causing me to almost scream as he clutch both the side of the bed and Mathias’s hand. 

At the fifth, I’m pretty discouraged that this will be over anytime soon, since we only just got the head out. I look over at Mathias, and he looks even more nervous than I am, he has his eyes shut tight and his face is pale. “You know you’re allowed to look, Mathias!” I tell him. He opens his eyes and looks at me, I can see he’s confused. “Fucking idiot, if a bunch of strangers can watch I’m pretty sure you can too!” 

“Now isn’t really the time to fight with your brother!” Doctor Oxfordshire reminds me, and I groan. This sucks, I don’t want to keep doing this! But when she tells me to push again, that’s what I do. Though I stop halfway through and shake my head, tears finally start to fall down my cheeks. “You can’t stop now, Emil! You’re almost there it would be useless!” I glare at the ceiling and look over at Mathias, who’s leaned over far enough to see down there, and his face is covered with disgust. But doctor Oxfordshire is right. It would be completely useless for me to just up and quit. So when she gives the word I push as hard as I can, and I feel a sudden relief. The doctors all crowd around as they cut the umbilical cord and take the baby over to a table, although doctor Oxfordhire stays. She makes me push out the placenta first, which isn’t as bad but I’m pretty sore so it hurts even still. Once that’s over she stands up and goes with the other doctors, where theyre all talking, but I can’t figure out what they’re saying.

Mathias gives my shoulder a small rub and smiles wearily at me. I look over at all of the doctors, and then back at Mathias. “There’s something wrong, isn’t there…?” I ask him, trying to ease my heartbeat and calm myself down. He just nervously shrugs and watches with me. 

After a few minutes of waiting, doctor Oxfordshire walks over with a frown on her face. Yeah, I was right. I knew it. I shut my eyes as I listen to her explain. “It’s normal for a premature baby, although it’s not often that it actually causes fatality. We tried what we could, but from what we can tell, the lungs collapsed after being born. Just wasn’t strong enough..” She tells me, and I feel everything go numb. Why am I upset? I never wanted to keep it. I was giving it away anyways, so I have no reason to be upset about this! But it just hurts.. 

The door opens and Kat and Henrey walk in, smiles on their faces. I look away from them and Mathias slides onto the bed, putting an arm around my shoulders. I look back at the only happy people in the room and glare at them. “It’s dead, stop smiling.. Sorry to dissapoint..” They both immediately deflate and walk over. 

Doctor Oxforshire takes the two of them over to the other side of the room to talk and Mathias stays with me, rubbing my arm. I can’t hlp but start to cry. Maybe because I spent so long growing it, feeling it, knowing that it was my job to protect it. What did I do wrong? If I would have done something different it could have survived. I look over as Kat and Henry walk out, and doctor Oxfordshire walks over. “Emil, don’t beat yourself up over this. You’re a teenager. You’re incredibly young, and because of that, your body wasn’t able to do everything it should have been able to. It really isn’t your fault.” She smies sadly at me, which I don’t necessarily enjoy her doing. “But Kat wanted me to tell you that she and Henry want you to name the baby, it was a girl. They want something to call her even if she’s no longer.” I wipe my eyes and think about it. They still want to name it? I’m guessing they’re planning on burying it, so they need something to put on the grave. But what would I name it? I’m terrible at naming things..

After thinking about it for a good few minutes, I racked my brain for names I've heard over the years, and I found one I like. “Sigrid..” I finally say, looking out the window. “Sigrid is a pretty name..” I tell her. She nods and then asks about her last name. If she’ll have mine or her adoptive parents. Why would I have my last name on her? She was technically bought by someone else.. But then again she is mine after all.. “Stielsson..” I say, looking up at Mathias. He looks surprised by that one, yeah, I would be too, but she was mine… She was mine..


	9. Chapter 9

I’ve never been to a funeral before… Mostly because I’ve never been close to anyone who has ever died. But now that I finally have, this is the first time I’ve ever been to a funeral. And obviously for someone I was blood related to. A year ago if you would have told me I would be attending my daughter’s funeral, I would have alughed in your face and punched your arm like it was some sort of joke. Like you were crazy and didn’t know what you were talking about. Because back then, I was fully aware that I couldn’t have children because it wasn’t what people told me. When in reality, it was all a lie, it’s just that nobody knew it was then. 

I’ve never actually even walked through a graveyard, and doing so gives me the chills. There’s dew on the grass from last night's rain, and there aren't very many people here today. Why would there be, right? It’s just me, Lukas, mathias, Berwald, Tino, Kat and Henry. All of us in uncomfortable black clothing and only me with tears in my eyes. I still can’t believe I’m upset over this. But just seeing it.. “Sigrid Stielsson, died during complications with birth, a mistake, but the best mistake ever made”. I can’t believe they actually let me put that on there. 

The little burial doesn’t take long to do, and once it’s over, Kat and Henry leave. My own family starts to head back to the car, but I stay right there. Lukas notices and turns back, slowly walking to me and wrapping his arms around me. I tell him that I’ll catch up, that I just need a moment alone. He nods and then walks away, and just like I wanted, I’m alone. I sink down into the wet grass next to the gravestone and put my hand on it. Why? I’ve asked myself way too many times now. Why? Why was she taken away from me so quickly? I would have at least wanted to see her before she was gone. But in a matter of seconds she was far far away. 

I wipe my eyes and sniffle a bit, shutting my eyes. I know she would have had a good life, she would have deserved that. I reach into my pocet and pull out a small plastic bag, filled up with hot chips and set them on her grave. “For the trip. I assume you like these.. Or at least you used to.. I still don’t get how someone so small could eat so much, and obviously so much spice..” I laugh a bit and run a hand through my hair. The rain has started to come back, and I’m getting wetter by the second, so I stand up and sigh softly. “I’ll see you someday.. Not antime soon, because I plan on living a long time, but someday.” I start walking back to the car as the rain starts to pour, and see Lukas’s face drop at the sight of me soaking wet. I smirk at him and get into the car by his side, shaking my head and causing water to spray everywhere. The other’s complain, but it’s all smiles. I’m glad. 

The drive home isn’t exactly without it’s stops. Obviously they ask if I want to get lunch, but for the first time in a long time I’m not starving to death so I say no. But a minute later we stop anyway. I complained to them and said I wasn’t hungry, but only Mathias gets out of the car. My face twists in confusion and I look at Lukas. He has that look on his face. He’s hiding something isn’t he? I glare at him for a second before Mathias climbs back into the car next to me, handing me a plastic grocery bag. I raise a brow and move the flimsy plastic out of the way to see what’s inside, curious of what these guys are doing. It’s a big book, and it has a lock on the sides so it can’t be opened without a key, which i find under it. Mathias nudges me with his hand, his way of telling me to open it. So I put the key in the keyhole and twist it, hearing the lock click. 

It’s a pretty leatherbound book with a big tree carved onto the front, which is pretty cool I think. But the first page confuses me. “The Journey of Sigrid Stielsson..?” I read out loud. I flip to the next page and see a picture of me and Lukas in the hospital giving thumbs ups to the camera after I was admitted from the attack. “This was the week after she started her adventure, none of us knew it then, but soon we would..” I muttered, flipping the page. There was a picture of me asleep on the couch, obviously from when I was sick. “This was the third day in a row Emil stayed home from school, he was very sick and all of us just assumed he had the stomach bug. But little did we know that was you making him feel so bad. We took Emil to the hospital a couple of weeks later when he still wasn’t feeling better but the doctors said it was just his anxiety..”

I flip to the next page and feel tears prick my eyes at the sight of my first ultrasound, and I bite my lip. “This was when we first found out you were there. Emil was very upset, and even said he was very close to throwing himself off a bridge..” I laugh a bit and wipe my eyes. “But we don’t really think he would have done it, he secretly only wanted the best for you..” I look up at Lukas and he nods, so I flip to the next page. This one has a picture of me wearing one of Mathias’s shirts, and I can see just how tired I looked. I had horrible bags under my eyes. “Emil couldn’t fit into his own clothes once you started to get bigger, and he had to wear your Uncle Mathias’s shirts instead. He spent a lot of his time sleeping and was pretty cranky about a lot of things. He told your Uncle Lukas to shove a stick down his throat when he woke him up once. We all laughed about it later.” The next page is funny to me. There’s a picture of a fish in the corner and a picture of a peper in the other corner. There’s also a photo of me sitting on the couch watching TV, a plate of food, and Matias by my side watching TV. It was obvious from the angle the picture was taken that Lukas took it. How had I not noticed that? “During this week, Emil wasn’t very happy with you. You wanted to eat a lot of spicy stuff, and didn’t want to eat any fish, which really got on Emil’s nerves.” I laugh a little and go to the next page, seeing my four month ultrasound. “Your grandma visited this week, but we told her to stick it up her ass and leave!” I can’t help but smile at that. I can tell Mathias wrote this. 

On the next page is my five month ultrasound, and I can’t help but stare at it for a minute. You can see her, she was a little person at that point. She had a little heartbeat and everything. “Emil and Lukas went to the adoption agency while you were finally starting to get your strength, and talked to a very nice couple about taking care of you. None of us could handle keeping you at home, so we knew that giving you to a really nice family was in your best interest. We promise, you aren’t a puppy, the phrasing is just the same way you would talk abou selling a puppy.” I give Mathias a small hit on the shoulder and shake my head. He is right though, it does sound a lot like giving away a puppy huh? I turned the page and saw a picture of Mathias and I sitting in the car the day the two of us went and got lunch together, looking pretty good, but this time there were two pictures, and the other was me laying in the hospital bed after having my first little labour scare. “Your Uncle Mathias lost his job when you were six months into your adventure, but this just meant he could spend more time with Emil, and even got to be the first one to feel you kicking, take that Lukas.” I look over at Lukas as he shoots a glare at Mathias, but I keep going. “On a particular your Uncle Mathias and Emil went and got lunch together, and had a really fun day! But later that night you decided you wanted to come into this world a little earlier than we were expecting, so we went into the hospital and made sure you stayed in there.”

I can already tell where the last couple of pages are going and brace myself for that. I take a deep breath and flip to the next page, looking at the picture. It was one of the pictures Mathias took while I was having my contractions, which causes me to feel the ghost of the pain in my body, shifting a little in my seat. “It was April fifteenth when we couldn’y delay you any longer, and it took around an hour and a half before Emil’s water finally broke and you were ready to come out.” I shut my eyes and take another deep breath and go to the second to last page. I shudder a bit at the picture. It’s obviously a screenshot of that video Mathias had taken for Lukas, but luckily it’s from before she walked in front of me, and my leg is mostly covering up the bad parts. “Your Unlce Mathias was the only one who could be there to watch you get born, and made sure to hold Emil's hand the whole time. Emil was in a very bad mood the whole time, you really hurt him. But unfortunately, you just weren’t as ready as you thought you were, and your body didn’t last long in this new environment. You didn’t even make a sound. We were all very sad that you didn’t make it, but we knew it was for the best.” I feel a tear roll down my face and reach up to wipe it off. Why do I have to be reminded of this? 

But there’s still one more page. I turn to it and see a picture of me at the beach with Peter and Isak the summer before it all went down, and read the last of the words underneath it. “We all have no doubt that Emil was more than capable of being a parent, but it just wasn't the right time. If it had been later in his life, maybe it would have worked out for him and you. Emil really loved you, and even if he said he didn’t want you, all of us knew that he desperately wanted to keep you and love you for as long as he could. Maybe later he’ll be ready again, and he’ll have more kids, but that doesn’t mean he’ll ever forget you. You were his world, no matter how much he denied it… Sigrid would have been our favourite niece.. And the best daughter..” 

As always, the tears start to fall, and a few small sobs escape my lips. Lukas pulls me into a hug and Tino reaches back to put a hand on my knee. They’re right, i would have really loved to have kept her in the end, but it did take me a long time to get to that point. 

I spend the entire car drive home looking at the pictures in the book before we get home. I shut the book and lock it, putting the key into my shirt pocket as Lukas and I walk inside. Once I get in there, Lukas gives me a necklace chain, and I put the key on it, changing before putting it around my neck. Yeah, this fits. This looks nice. I turn to my side and look into my mirror. I still have some chub, I'm suffering from baby weight, but I plan on trying my hardest to get rid of it. But it’s not the same. It’s not that same fuzzy feeling as when there’s something meaningful there. Something that isn’t just extra weight. I sigh and roll my eyes as I walk away from my mirror. I trace my finger across the leather book and smile. Things are going to be just fine.. Sigrid would be upset if I just sat around and mourned her all of my life, right?


End file.
